If Wishes Were Goodbyes
by Lesera128
Summary: From the day of her birth, there've been several constants in Nymphadora Tonks' life: her parents, her cousin Sirius, & Remus Lupin. After a very heated argument with Remus, Tonks faces her many regrets. AU. Begins spring of OOTP. RL/NT. Complete.
1. Prologue, Part I :TheBeginningofHisStory

IF WISHES WERE GOOD-BYES

By: Lesera128

Rated: PG-13

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Everything Harry Potter belongs to the goddess J.K. Rowling. All hail the queen!

A/N: Enjoy!

* * *

PROLOGUE, Part I: The Beginning of His Story

* * *

In a way, the same year her life started, so did his. She had been born the year he entered Hogwarts... that magical year. As soon as the Sorting Hat had been placed upon his head and shouted "GRYFFINDOR," it was as if the past eleven years had been wiped away in one swift movement... or at least the past five.

It was almost as if Fate had known even then that theirs was to be something more than just a casual relationship... and, although he thought it was by accident that he had arrived at the Tonks' house in Hogsmeade exactly when he did, he surely knew different now.

"Come on, Remus. James and Peter are game to go... and if we don't hurry, we'll miss it," Sirius whined.

Remus looked up from the book on his bed and sighed. "First, how do you expect to get all four of us all the way into Hogsmeade from here, and second, how do you expect to do it without all of us being seen?"

Sirius grinned. "Second part's easy." Sirius turned toward the other black-haired boy who was lounging on the bed which stood next to Remus'. "James?" Sirius said with an even wider grin.

With a languid movement, James reached under the bed and pulled up a bunch of silvery, material. James chucked it in Sirius' general direction. "Here you go, mate."

"The Invisibility Cloak?" Remus asked with interest.

Sirius nodded. "'Course. You were expecting something else?"

"But, we've never used it for longer than going down to the kitchens to nick some food from the House elves," Remus noted.

Sirius shrugged, his damnable grin getting even larger. "First time for everything, then, isn't it?" He paused, crumpled the Invisibility Cloak into a ball, and tossed it at Remus. "Now, are you coming or not? I don't want to miss it."

Remus put his book down, and began to meticulously fold the corners of the Invisibility cloak. "I thought you hated all your family members anyway. What makes her so special?"

"Oh, Andi? She's great. Only Black in six generations that actually went and married outside of the damned all-hallowed _Tourjours Pur _acceptable circle of families," Sirius said.

It was at this time that Peter, who had been hanging on Sirius' every word, piped up, "What's her husband's name again?"

"Tonks," Sirius said. "Ted Tonks... and a muggle-born, too, if you can beat that."

Remus eyed Sirius warily. "And you just have to be there?"

Sirius suddenly became indignant. "It's not only a responsibility, but a duty. 'Have to show the newest little Black that he or she doesn't have to be a git from the moment of birth just because of our illustrious infamous heritage. Uncle Alphe and I are proof that there is hope even if you are born a Black."

"You still haven't answered my first question, Sirius. How do we get there?" Remus prodded.

Sirius grinned again. "Oh, that's easy. We go to the mirror on the fourth floor. There's a secret passage there that James and I found a couple of months ago. It leads directly into Hogsmeade... it lets you out onto a side street right near the Hog's Head. Andi and Ted's house is only a couple of blocks from there."

Remus sighed again, "And you're sure it's tonight?"

Nodding, Sirius said, "I'd stake my life on it after what Ted told me in the fire call a few days ago."

Throwing his legs off the side of the bed, Remus tossed the Invisibility Cloak at Sirius. "All right, then. Let's do it."

And, so, the four Marauders began their crazy stint of escaping Hogwarts to go into Hogsmeade on a cold night in February. Within an hour, Remus noted that Sirius had slowed down as they approached a normal, two-story white house. The only odd thing about the house were the burning torches and sounds of merriment that were emanating from the structure when it was 3 o'clock in the morning. Cautiously, Sirius led the others up the stairs. Once the foursome was inside, Sirius threw off the cloak, and slowly navigated through the entrance hall as he looked for Ted.

Just as Sirius was about to head upstairs, a quiet voice stopped him dead in his tracks. "Ah, Mr. Black... I was wondering when we would be seeing you."

Sirius felt the color drain from his face as he turned around and saw Albus Dumbledore drinking from a china-white tea cup. "Professor Dumbledore, sir... I, ah, that is to say..."

Dumbledore simply smiled and pointed at a door to Sirius' left. "I believe Mrs. Tonks and her daughter are expecting you in there."

"A girl?" Sirius asked. "She's here then?"

"A girl," Dumbledore nodded before he looked at the other three Gryffindors. "Ah, Mr. Potter, Mr. Pettigrew, and Mr. Lupin... I was wondering where you were. Fine evening, isn't it?" As Dumbledore got up and walked passed the four stunned first-years, Dumbledore quietly added, "Although I would appreciate it if you make sure you are all back in Gryffindor Tower before Professor McGonagall comes to deliver the news to Mr. Black about his new cousin just prior to breakfast."

The four students stood dumbfounded as Dumbledore disappeared past them. Only when a tall wizard with a goofy smile on his face came out of the room that Dumbledore had indicated did the spell break. "Sirius," Ted Tonks' said with a smile. "They're waiting for you. Come on!"

Ted dragged Sirius forward as James, Peter, and Remus followed. Remus was not sure what to expect when he entered what had served as Andromeda Black Tonks' lying-in room. However, when he saw a young woman who was only a few years old than himself sitting up in bed with a small pink bundle in his arms, he couldn't help but smile.

"Sirius!" Andromeda called. "Oh, I'm so glad you're here. Come and meet your baby cousin."

"A girl, coz?" Sirius said with a smile as he sauntered over and took the bundle into his arms.

Andromeda nodded.

Sirius looked up. "What's here name?"

"Nymphadora," Andromeda said with a smile. "Like it?"

Sirius shrugged. "Sure, if you wanted to ensure that for the rest of her life your daughter was going to only go by the name 'Tonks'."

Andromeda sighed. "Sirius..."

"Well, you have to admit, it's a lot of name for such a little baby, Andi," Sirius said as he turned around to his friends. "I brought a few of my friends from school with me, Andi. They wanted to meet the baby. You remember James, Peter, and Remus, don't you?"

Andromeda nodded. It was at this point that the baby in Sirius' arms began to cry. "What did you do now, Sirius?" Remus asked his friend jokingly.

Sirius shrugged. "I'm not doing anything, I swear."

"Maybe she doesn't like you, mate," James added with a mischievous grin. "All that Black blood and all."

"Maybe she's hungry?" Peter chimed in.

"Or maybe she's just tired of being jostled about like a secondhand haggis," Remus said.

Sirius' eyes narrowed. "Then why don't you take a turn, Remus, since you've suddenly become the expert on babies."

Before Remus could utter so much as a feeble protest, Sirius had gently shoved the baby at him. Remus was dumbfounded as the baby looked up at him with Sirius' blue eyes. She immediately stopped crying as she stared at the young man holding him.

And, it was at that moment that Nymphadora Tonks smiled her very first smile in this world at none other than Remus J. Lupin.

* * *


	2. Prologue, Part II:TheBeginningofHerStory

IF WISHES WERE GOOD-BYES  
By: Lesera128  
Rated: PG-13

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Everything Harry Potter belongs to the goddess J.K. Rowling. All hail the queen!

A/N: And, now, for the other side of the coin. Enjoy!

* * *

PROLOGUE, PART II: The Beginning of Her Story

* * *

In a way, on the day he had his heart broken for the first time by someone else, so too was hers shattered.

For as long as she could remember, Nymphadora Tonks had adored her older cousin Sirius. From her earliest memories, he was constantly present, laughing, smiling, and always there to pick her up whenever she fell down. And, of course, with Sirius came James, Peter, and Remus.

Sometimes, when Tonks was younger, it had been hard for her to differentiate between the four friends. The Marauders, those four young men who had known her from within an hour of her birth, sometimes were so alike, the young baby Nymphadora could only distinguish them by how they looked.

Sirius... despite being the only one with a blood connection to her... Sirius, well... Sirius was Sirius. When Tonks decided to leave her eyes unmorphed, they were the exact same shade of blue as Sirius' eyes. Tonks also identified Sirius as the one that laughed the most. He was also the one that was always trying to tickle her in that one spot behind her left knee that drove her absolutely insane.

Then, there was James. James and Sirius were alike in a lot of ways, but they were also very different. James was the one from whom Tonks had to fight for attention. Of the four Marauders, he was always the most distant. He often seemed distracted, like he usually always wanting to be going on to the next place and doing whatever was next on his list of things to do. However, when Tonks did have his attention, James had this wonderful way of making her feel safe. When James was watching her do a new trick, or when James was patiently trying to explain something to her, Tonks knew that nothing bad could happen... nothing, unless Sirius was around, and then inevitably it was best for Dora to take refuge elsewhere lest she fall subject to one of their relentless pranks.

After James came Peter. Dora spoke to him the least, but in some ways, he was the easiest of the four friends for her to get to listen to her. Dora never had to beg Peter to stop and watch her, or listen to her tell a joke, or reach something for her that was up too high. Indeed, whenever Dora was scared or frightened, it was Peter who often noticed right away. He had an odd habit of sweeping Dora into his lap and giving her a hug just when it was needed. He always had a smile for her, and always, always had a sweet treat for her. In some ways, Peter was more like a big brother to her more than Sirius and James ever could be.

And, then there was Remus. Out of all four friends, Dora was unsure how to react to Remus. He was the most quiet of the group, the most soft-spoken, but most assuredly the one who possessed the greatest insight. Despite her odd moods, Remus was the only one who could handle Dora when she was being difficult. Remus was the only one of the four that Dora never wanted to disappoint. In a way, she idolized his good opinion more than that Sirius, James, and Peter combined. Whereas with the other three Dora could be human and make mistakes, with Remus she had to be perfect. Dora always worked harder at things she knew would please Remus... especially her alphabet and numbers. As she grew older, Dora would always make time to drift into a quiet corner with Remus so that he could speak to her. What began as a childhood crush, gradually changed into something more. Dora never found the sense of familiarity and happiness which she shared with Remus with anyone else.

He would often tell her stories, stories which Dora didn't care if were true or not... myths and fables of gods and goddesses from far away places like Wales, Rome, Greece, and the lands of the North. She didn't care what he said as long as he continued to speak. Remus' voice always made Dora do one thing that it was difficult for anyone to obtain from her... a smile a true, honest-to-goodness, totally unforced, completely natural Nymphadora Tonks' smile. Remus made Dora feel wanted, Remus made Dora feel happy. Above all, Remus made Dora... Remus made Dora feel something she had never, ever felt before... and as a young child, she was too young to realize what the emotion for what it was aside from a feeling.

By the time she was seven, (having just turned that many years old the previous month, thank-you very much) Dora couldn't wait to see her four most favorite friends again. Easter was coming soon, and with it, the four friends. They never missed an Easter at the Tonks' as Andromeda and Ted's house in Hogsmeade was close enough to Hogwarts for a short vacation, but it was not so far that it couldn't be visited in time for a quick return to school.

Just as she had hoped, on the Saturday before Easter Sunday, the four Marauders showed up in a loud cacophony of mischievous, bellowing voices. The front door was flung open with energy, and Dora's face light up with happiness as Sirius, James, Peter, and especially Remus all came into the hallway. Dora was wearing a special peacock, blue jumper just for Remus... it was his favorite color, and he always said she looked quite fetching whenever she wore it.

Only, this time, the front door didn't close after Remus entered. No, this time a fifth form came out of the dim light of the front porch and into the illuminated hallway. And this fifth form was quite different from the four that had entered the house just a few seconds before. Dora crossed her arms from where she stood on the top of the staircase watching everything as another GIRL entered the house... A totally strange and unknown girl with red hair and incredible, emerald green eyes.

"Sirius, we're in here," Dora's mother's voice called from the back of the house. The group disappeared towards the direction in which the kitchen could be found. Dora remained transfixed, unable and unwanting to move, as she tightened her arms against her chest. However, she could still hear the muted voices of the group coming out of the kitchen.

"Hello, Andi. Hope you and Ted don't mind, but we brought a friend with us this year," Sirius said cheerfully.

"Of course not," Dora's mother replied. "Any friend of the boys' is always welcome here."

"Excellent," Sirius said. "Andi, Ted, I'd like you to meet Lily Evans."

"Pleased to meet you, Mr. and Mrs. Tonks. Thank-you ever so much for allowing me to stay," the soft and strange feminine voice responded.

LILY. What a common name, Dora thought with disgust. LILY. What was a girl named after a stupid flower doing with HER friends?

"...and our daughter, Nymphadora is around here someplace. Ted, do you know where Dora is?" Andromeda's voice floated up the stairs to her daughter.

Spinning around, Dora immediately grabbed her favorite doll Marie... the one that had fallen to her feet in the surprise Dora had felt upon Lily's entrance. It was the dolly that Remus had given to her as a birthday present just a few weeks before.

Kicking off her shoes, Dora immediately headed to her room. Shutting the door, she hurriedly went to the window. In a manner of minutes, she was out the window and climbing down the rose trellis. Shortly thereafter, Dora ran to her secret hiding place... the crevice under the gardening shed. It was late in the morning... perhaps eleven o'clock, but the warm sun was still fighting with the morning dew. As a result, the earth smelt more pungent, the roses from her mother's garden more overpowering. Clutching Marie to her chest, Dora curled up into a ball and began to cry. She didn't understand why. But, as one who had just turned seven, Dora knew it was her natural, innate right to cry all she wanted when something this horrible had happened. Of course, she still wasn't sure exactly which bad thing had happened. Nonetheless, Dora continued to cry until she fell asleep.

As the afternoon hours passed, Sirius noticed his young cousin's absence. Indeed, both Peter and James asked after her as the pair helped Ted set the table for lunch. Andromeda looked up from the stove, and shrugged. "Oh, she's around somewhere... getting into trouble, no doubt. But, she always turns up at meal times, so we just let her go about her business until then."

"You aren't worried that something's happened to her?" Peter asked with a frown.

Ted shook his head. "No, and we don't want her to feel that we're coddling her, you know? We think it's the best way to encourage independent and self-reliant development in a child like Dora."

Of course, as the minutes ticked by and Dora finally awoke from her fretful nap, Dora stayed where she was in her hiding spot. Looking up at the sun, Dora could tell that it was getting close to lunch time. Her jumper was a mess, and her dolly would need the help of one of Mummy's cleaning spells, but that's what her mummy was there for wasn't it? No, the only thing Dora was worried about was the tell tale redness and puffiness of her eyes. If anyone saw her eyes in their current state, they'd know something was wrong, and then Dora would have to explain why she had been crying in the first place... something she definitely DID NOT want to do.

Then again, being a metamorfungus (at seven, Dora still had problems with really long words for her face rearranging abilities) had its perks. Maybe if she concentrated really hard, she could make it go away...

Dora was busy thinking on the best way to accomplish this when she heard voices drifting out to her. She saw feet... and instantly realized that one pair belonged to a boy while the other belong to HER.

"It's really quite lovely here," Lily said, much more in a young woman's voice than the tone of a girl.

"Andi works really hard on her roses. They're her pride and joy," the response came.

At the soft words of the second voice, Dora's heart seemed to stop. She recognized it. It was Remus. Remus was with HER.

"I'm glad I came today, Remus... I'm glad Sirius let James bring me," Lily continued. "Everything is such a mess at home right now with Petunia. My parents are having a hard time dealing with her."

"I'm sure she'll come around."

Lily sighed, "Maybe."

The pair chatted on for a few more moments as they went to sit down on the white swing that Andromeda had had Ted set up from the branches of her favorite oak tree. As the couple were farther away, Dora had to strain to hear what was being said. However, as soon as she picked up on the conversation's tone, she could tell the seriousness of it had changed.

"You know you'll always be one of my best friends, Remus," Lily said. "You ARE my best friend, no matter what happens."

Remus said, "Of course, I know that."

Lily bit her lip. "I just thought it fair that I should tell you... James and I are getting serious. Quite serious, Remus."

"I know," came the soft, but sad reply.

"Of course, you would," Lily said. "James probably told you all as soon as we both realized what was happening."

"Something like that."

"He still doesn't know about... well, how things stand between us, Remus, but... well, if things continue down the path they are, I am going to have to tell him really, I'll want to tell him," Lily said. "I think I'm falling in love with him, Remus."

Remus was silent for a moment, before he said, "I knew that too, Lily."

"And that's all you have to say?" Lily asked, her eyes leveled at Remus.

Remus nodded. "Yes." He paused, "All that needs to be said has already been said. You know how I feel about you, Lily. You know I'll always love you."

"But, now there's James," Lily said.

Remus agreed, "Yes, there's James."

"I care for you, Remus, more than you'll ever know... but, I don't love you... not like I think I love James," Lily said.

"I know," Remus said softly. "But, it still doesn't matter, Lily. No matter what happens, whether you and James broke up tomorrow or got married and had a house full of kids, you will always be the one woman... the only woman I'll ever love."

Dora had to bit her lip to keep from crying out. Even though she was only seven, and even though she didn't understand everything that two eighteen-year-old adults were saying to each other, Dora was still in pain. If Remus loved her, than obviously he didn't love Dora anymore.

Many hours later, a frantic Ted and Andromeda Tonks finally found their little daughter curled asleep in her bed... grass stains and streaks of mud covering her face and jumper. Dora never again spoke of what had happened to her that day, but as she got older, she never forgot what she had heard.

Oh, to be sure, as time went by, she got to know Lily better... and in some ways she even liked her. But, from that day on, Dora's relationship with Remus was changed. For the first time in her life, Dora had to use her morphing abilities to hide... hide what she was truly thinking, and what she was truly feeling especially from Remus Lupin.

Looking back many years later, Dora always remembered what Remus had said. The clarity and experience of adulthood put a different perspective on things. However, her feelings which had started as a childhood crush, had morphed into something else... something which the adult Dora at last realized with regret, longing, and angst.

Now, sixteen years later, Dora still remembered what had been said on that spring morning. And she still remembered how she felt. For, it was on that day when Remus Lupin truly realized that Lily Evans would never be his, Nymphadora Tonks realized that Remus Lupin could never be hers.

* * *


	3. Ch 1: Firewhiskey & Tonks Do Not Mix

IF WISHES WERE GOOD-BYES  
By: Lesera128  
Rated: PG-13

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Everything Harry Potter belongs to the goddess J.K. Rowling.

A/N: Enjoy!

* * *

Chapter 1: Tonks and Firewhiskey Do Not Mix

* * *

She was raging, bloody drunk as hell... and she blamed it all upon Remus John Lupin. It was ALL. HIS. FAULT.

When Nymphadora Tonks had arrived at the steps of Number 12, Grimmauld Place, she was lucky she hadn't splinched herself upon apparating. But, she had had to get away. The fight or flight reflex that everyone was always talking about had finally kicked in for Tonks. And, you would have thought that the reflex would have kicked in when Tonks was in a duel with a Deatheater, or maybe even during the confrontation with Voldemort that the entire Order had been worried about for months now, when it finally happened, that would cause her to feel this way. Tonks was a bloody auror, after all. Aurors didn't run merely from a disastrous kiss. Of course, never mind that Tonks just had and did... that part didn't matter.

It was raining by the time she got to headquarters... of course it was raining. This night had just been so bloody fantastic, why wouldn't it not be raining, Tonks thought.

Having accomplished her sole goal of getting somewhere safe, Tonks began to pound on the front doors for all she was worth. It was three o'clock in the morning, and for some reason... perhaps it was the adrenaline or maybe it was due to her fire whiskey addled senses, Tonks couldn't figure out how to open the damn door. Was it locked? She shook her head, which was a bad idea in and of itself as nausea swept over her, and continued pounding on the door. After a few more minutes passed, Tonks heard the familiar shrieks of Sirius' mum emanating from behind the door. Then, in a flash of bright light, the door opened, a pale pair of hands shot out from the crack of the opened door, and Tonks was roughly pulled forward.

As soon as the door was shut, Tonks immediately found herself looking into the disheveled face of her cousin. Sirius took a breath and was about to begin berating Tonks when he took one look at her bedraggled and tear-streaked face, and stopped in mid-sentence. "Oh..."

Tonks felt her strength give out as her feet turned to water. She collapsed against the front door, and the tears started fresh. "Sirius..." she cried.

Utterly at a loss for what to do, Sirius quickly shut the curtains on his mother's portrait, scooped his trembling cousin up into his arms just as he had so many times when she had been a child, and carried her into the kitchen. It was still warm there, a charm having been put onto the fire so that it burned brightly throughout the night. But, most mercifully for Tonks, it was empty.

Tonks feebly clutched her arms about Sirius' neck, and couldn't stymie the tears as she cried into his shoulder. When he gently set her down on one of the kitchen chairs, she looked up at him, eyes so red and puffy that Sirius grimaced. She had never learned how to morph away puffy eyes to hide when she had been crying. And, by the looks of things, she had been crying for a long time.

"Dora, what is it? What happened?" Sirius asked, as he took in his crying cousin's bedraggled appearance -- a red body suit was torn and splattered with mud, and what had happened to her shoes? Her hair and face were completely unmorphed so that black hair and puffy blue eyes stared back at him. And, to top everything off, she was now shaking from having become drenched from head to toe in the rain. She didn't smell pleasant either. She smelled damp, and above all else, Sirius could smell the overpowering and stale smell of firewhiskey emanating from her... she reeked of it.

"I'm so sorry, Sirius... I just didn't know... didn't know where else to go," Dora said as her teeth chattered.

Reaching for a blanket, Sirius tucked it around his cousin as he took his wand and began to mutter random drying spells. "What happened, Dora?" Sirius repeated.

Dora, obviously still drunk, looked up at him and as if explained everything, she said, "Tomorrow's Easter Sunday."

"And?" Sirius prompted her.

Tonks mumbled something, and then said loudly enough for Sirius to hear, "We had a fight... and I was tired of waiting. The woman has been dead for sixteen bloody years. You'd of thought he would have moved on by now. But, no... so I told him what a stupid prat he was and got up to find the first person I could to get bloody, roaring drunk with."

Sirius, completely confused and out of his element said, "Okay..."

"He's a nice chap, really, Sirius -- I was in school with Danny... he was a Hufflepuff... just like my Da... He gave me my first kiss, did you know that? I thought that maybe if HE didn't want me, then Danny would. We went through Auror training, you know?" Tonks mumbled, somewhat in a confused and incoherent manner.

"So this bloke Danny did this to you?" Sirius asked.

Tonks shook her head. "No... no, Danny tried to help. Unlike HIM, he's a good friend and doesn't have a hang-up on a dead redhead. But, he smelled funny... I think he took me to the Leaky Cauldron just to make sure that I didn't hurt myself... wanted to watch out for a friend."

Tonks paused and looked as if she were about to be ill, but swallowed back her bile as she whispered, "Firewhiskey and Tonks do NOT mix. But, it let me get up the courage... if HE didn't want me, than maybe it didn't matter who was first. What am I waiting for anyway? Certainly not him... and I just turned twenty… twenty… well, I just turned twenty-something, Sirius. Don't you think it's about time that I shagged someone?"

Sirius became even more disturbed and uncomfortable at Tonks' ramblings as she continued her story.

"And, so after a few more shots, I called Danny over, and grabbed him by the shirt... which really was kinda of scratchy... and I pulled him towards me, and he pulled back. Somebody yelled 'No'... Was it me? Maybe it was him... I don't know. And then I realized what I was doing... and even though everything seemed to slow down, I ran... I just left everything at the bar... even my wand. I ran..." Tonks said miserably. "I couldn't stay there... I just couldn't have Danny looking at me with the same disgust, sympathy, and pity that is all HE feels for me."

Suddenly, Tonks stopped her ramble and stood up. She grabbed Sirius by the arm, and said desperately, "I'm not a little girl anymore, Sirius. I will not be treated like I am a bloody seven year old... not by HIM... not by anyone. And not on this damn day either. Bloody Easter Saturday."

She fell against her cousin, and Sirius held her for a moment as fresh tears started. "Why doesn't HE want me, Sirius? Why? When is my waiting going to end? I've been waiting for HIM all my life. And then HE goes and does what HE always does, and... what am I waiting for anyway, Sirius? And, why... why does this hurt so much? Why is HE the only one that smells good? Why is HE the only one I want when HE doesn't want me? Why?"

And after a few more moments of incoherent ramblings, Tonks finally passed out. Sirius, completely and utterly bewildered, gently carried her upstairs, and deposited her in her bed in hopes that morning would return the normally jubilant and effervescent cousin that he knew and loved.

As he turned around to leave, Tonks stirred once, and in her sleep, pulled a tattered and worn doll for under her pillow. Clutching Marie to her chest, the tears continued to fall as she slept as she dreamed of places where she finally didn't feel any pain because of HIM.

* * *


	4. Ch 2: A Spot of Tea

IF WISHES WERE GOOD-BYES  
By: Lesera128  
Rated: PG-13

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Everything Harry Potter belongs to the goddess J.K. Rowling.

A/N: Enjoy!

* * *

Chapter 2: A Spot of Tea

* * *

The first time she woke up, she was still drunk. At the back of her mind, which still pleasantly felt like it was heavily swathed in cotton, she knew something was wrong.

'I think I've forgotten something...' Tonks thought to herself. 'Keys? No, Da's keys are at the flat? Did I leave that note for... no, that's not it. I didn't need to leave Remus a note... saw him myself and told him... Wand? Where's my wand?' Tonks' brain commanded her arm to reach for where her wand should be on the night stand. Only, when she reached for it, it wasn't there. 'Bugger, where did it go? Oh, that's right, I've left it... Left it where? No worries. It will keep until morning.' Smiling in her hazy sleep, Tonks pulled Marie closer to her as she snuggled down into her blankets. She was home -- she was safe, and that's all that mattered.

The second time that Tonks woke up was a vastly different experience from the first time shehad greeted the day. Her head felt like at least ten decidedly fat house elves (and when was a house elf fat, anyway?) had decided to sit upon her head. It hurt too much to move. And what was that ringing in her ears?

'KILL. ME. NOW.' Tonks thought. Her brain started to work, albeit under strenuous protest. 'How in the hell did I get such a bloody hangover?'

And then the images of the previous evening floated back to her in a rush of color and sound.

...Remus standing in front of her completely and utterly bewildered as her stinging hand drew back from his face...

...Pulling herself into a slinky red number that showed way too much skin and left little to the imagination. Even the mirror had noted, "Are you sure you aren't forgetting a layer or two, dearie?"...

...Going to Auror Headquarters and finding Danny working late... he smiled at her, and in the dimness of the evening light, his smile reminded her just enough of who she was trying to forget...

...The Leaky Cauldron... The shots of firewhiskey... Getting good and pissed... Trying to kiss Danny when all she had wanted was to kiss Remus... Running away and apparating to headquarters... Crying into the crook of Sirius' shoulder... And the rain... the bloody rain.

"I am going to kill that man," Tonks finally mumbled to herself. She did it more to test if her voice still worked than for any other reason. Although, somewhat oddly, while her voice was indeed working, it sounded incredibly loud to her pounding head... and when had it become so scratchy? Oh, that's right... the row with Remus.

Throwing a leg over the bed, Tonks cracked open an eye. When had it become so damn bright, anyway?

Although in reality it only took Tonks ten minutes to drag herself out of bed and down to the kitchen, it seemed like it took an hour. Tonks' hooded eyes narrowed when she scanned the kitchen and saw only her cousin waiting for her, somewhat of a mischievous grin on his face.

"Wotcher, Sirius," Tonks greeted her cousin. Although, her scratchy and mumbled voice made it sound more like she was saying "Womanissizeus."

"MORNING, TONKS!" Sirius bellowed at his cousin.

Tonks immediately threw a hand to her ears as the ringing got louder... when did the kitchen develop a talent for echoing noises?

"Not so loud," Tonks finally managed coherently. "Tea. Need tea."

Sirius got up out of his chair as Tonks plunked down into the chair next to where he had been sitting. Going to a cupboard, he pulled out a bottle and placed a fair amount of purple liquid into a glass. He passed the glass to Tonks and said, "Here. Drink."

"What is it? Poison so I can finally do away with myself?" Tonks asked miserably.

Sirius shook his head. "Seems like you tried to do a good enough job of that on your own last night without any assistance."

"Uggh."

Sirius smiled. "It's pepper-up potion. Try it. It'll make you feel better."

As he went to the stove and waved his wand at the cooling tea kettle, Tonks drank the minty concoction. Her throat felt a bit less parchment like, and her headache started to fade as Sirius moved towards her with a steaming cup of tea although she almost did have trouble choking down the potion when she realized that it smelled like Remus.

"Here," Sirius said as he gave her the tea. "I think Molly left some biscuits if you want something to nibble on..."

"No food," Tonks muttered. "Just tea."

Coming to sit down next to his cousin, Sirius nodded at a brown sack on the table. "Kingsley dropped by this morning when you didn't show up at work."

"Damn... Work," Tonks muttered. Looking up at Sirius, she said, "What did you tell him? More importantly, what did he say?"

"I didn't have to tell him anything. Apparently that bloke of yours... what's name? Donny?" Sirius asked.

"Danny," Tonks said through clinched teeth.

Sirius nodded, "Right, Danny. Danny went to Kingsley this morning when you didn't show up for the shift you had volunteered for since it's Easter Sunday and all, and he told him that you two had a bit of a falling out last night. He gave your wand and shoes to Kingsley." Sirius nodded at the bag, "Kingsley brought them by... he was worried about you. From what Danny told him, how you acted last night is not like you, Tonks." Sirius paused, his voice taking on a more serious tone, "And, I have to say that from what you told me last night, something definitely is not right."

Tonks immediately felt what little color she had from her face drain. Her hands went clammy as she tried to recall what she had told Sirius. She drew a complete and utter blank.

When she at last found the ability to speak once again, Tonks said in a very small voice, "What I told you last night?"

Sirius nodded.

"And what was that, exactly?" Tonks said, softly and quietly.

Sirius crossed his arms as he leaned back in his chair. He sighed before he said, "To be quite honest, I am still not sure. You were spouting a bunch of bloody gibberish... although I did pick up on the fact that apparently you had a fight with some individual of the opposite sex that left you good and pissed off... apparently so pissed off that you decided the only thing to do was to go and get really pissed."

Tonks put down the tea cup and buried her head in her hands. "Anything else?"

A mischievous grin took over Sirius' face as he said slyly, "Only that and the fact that you were tired of waiting twenty-odd years for a... how did you put it? 'A bloody good shag.'"

Tonks buried her head more deeply in embarrassment. "Please tell me I didn't say that."

Sirius grinned, "Oh, all right, maybe not in so many words, but it was the general idea." Sirius paused before he said, "Why, Tonks... if I didn't know better, I'd be disappointed in you. I thought all Black women were notorious for their sex drive. I would have thought you would have lost something important like that a long time ago."

Tonks finally lifted her head. She could hear the amusement in Sirius' voice, and couldn't help but smile.

"Maybe the Tonks genetic contribution has made me a bit of a prude," Tonks said lamely.

Sirius shook his head. "Not if your dad is any indication. He had your mom in the broom closet at Hogwarts before they were allowed to go to Hogsmeade in third year by his accounts."

"Sirius!" Tonks said with annoyance. "I do NOT want to hear about my parents bloody sex life. Especially since I don't have one of my own."

Sirius narrowed his eyes, "Anyone related to me should not find that much of a problem if they put their mind to it."

Tonks sighed. "Not all of us are nymphomaniacs like you were my dear cousin, despite what my first name may imply."

Sirius grinned again. "I always thought there was a reason Andi decided to saddle you with a moniker like Nympha--"

"Oi!" Tonks said as she reached for a towel and chucked it at Sirius. "Enough already."

The pair were silent for a moment before Tonks reached for the bag and withdrew her wand. Sirius looked at her, the playfulness gone from his voice. "So, you going to tell me what happened?"

Shaking her head, Tonks said, "No, I really don't think so."

"Obviously it was bad enough so that you even forgot how old you were, although at least you didn't forget your own name, so it could have been worse," Sirius said matter-of-factly.

Getting up out of her chair, Tonks frowned and merely said, "I think what I am going to do is go and drown myself in the shower and then--"

Sirius grabbed for her arm as she went by. "Dora."

Tonks turned around.

"Sit down," Sirius said. Tonks started to pull away again. "Please?"

Nodding slowly, Tonks went and sat back down.

"Dora, you're my cousin, and I care about you. Let me help," Sirius said.

Tonks shrugged, "There's nothing you can help me with, Sirius. Honest."

Sirius sighed. "Dora, there were some other things you said last night, and well, unless you have a hang up on either James, Peter, or I, in which case we have bigger problems than I originally thought, I have a pretty good idea why this happened."

Tonks was quiet for a moment before she said, "Why?"

"You've been trailing after Remus since you could walk, Dora. When the Order reconvened last year, everyone saw it was just the same as when you were a little girl," Sirius said.

Tonks immediately got defensive, "I am NOT a little girl, Sirius."

"Of course you're not," Sirius said. "But you are still acting like a 7 year-old with a school girl crush."

Tonks flushed as she felt anger course through her. "It is not just a bloody childhood crush, Sirius. Do you think I would be having this problem if it were?"

"You mean..." Sirius's voice trailed off.

Tonks shrugged. "Is it lust? Yeah, sure. Even I know that much. But, is it love? I wouldn't know. I've never been in love before. I don't know what I'd call this... but it's a lot more complicated than a lustful crush, Sirius."

Tonks paused before she said, "The entire Order knows?"

Sirius grinned, "Well, maybe not the entire Order. Snape isn't here that much, and the stupid prat isn't all that observant even when he is... but, pretty much everyone else knows how obvious it is... everyone except you and Remus it seems."

"Oh, no, I know. That's part of the problem. I'm willing to acknowledge that something's there... or at least I was for the first time, finally... But, he's not. He still sees me as a bloody seven year old," Tonks said softly. "That's part of the reason we fought."

"Before he left?" Sirius questioned.

Tonks nodded.

"But I thought he was leaving last night on that mission for Dumbledore," Sirius mentioned.

"He was," Tonks said. "Let it not be said I don't have stellar timing."

"Do you want to talk about it?" Sirius said.

Tonks shook her head. "Not really."

Grabbing a hand, Sirius gave it a tiny squeeze as he said with a smile, "Tell me anyway."

* * *


	5. Ch 3: Glimpses From Childhood

IF WISHES WERE GOOD-BYES  
By: Lesera128  
Rated: PG-13

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Everything Harry Potter belongs to the goddess J.K. Rowling. All hail the queen!

A/N: Enjoy!

* * *

Chapter 3: Glimpses from Childhood

* * *

And so, even though it felt like it should be two o'clock in the morning, instead of two o'clock in the afternoon, Tonks sat with her hands clutching a cooling cup of tea while Sirius listened to his cousin uncharacteristically pour her heart out...

"When did you first know?" Sirius asked quietly. He looked at Tonks with his eyes leveled.

Tonks took a long sip of her tea before she placed the cup on the table and sighed. "You know, I really don't know. There really isn't any one date or time that I can point to and say, 'Oh, that's it.' It... this whole thing with Remus kind of was a gradual thing marked more by a series of events over the years than anything else."

"What kind of things?" Sirius asked honestly.

Tonks shrugged again. "Oh, I don't know. The normal, you know? When an only child like me is growing up, she's starved for attention."

"You always were our little drama queen," Sirius said with a check. He paused for a moment and then added, "Which, I must admit, I could never really understand. Ted and Andi doted on you. Anytime and all the time."

Tonks laughed as she shrugged. "Is this where we beat up on good ole melodramtic me, Sirius? Because you're right about Mum and Dad… they did and still do adore me. But, it wasn't just the attention that I would get from you or James or Mum and Dad... or even... or even Peter..."

Tonks looked down at the table as she sensed Sirius tense. His knuckles started to turn white at the mention of the lost marauder, but he remained quiet. Tonks took it as a sign to continue.

"My earliest memories of Remus were ones where he always, always treated me like an adult. He never condescended he was always, always patient. Sometimes I think his patience is why I have come to value his friendship so much over the years, because Merlin knows if there is one person on this whole wide earth that needs a lot of patience, it's me..."

The cat screeched a lot more loudly than Tonks had thought he would.

"NYMPHADORA TONKS!" Andromeda bellowed at the top of her lungs. A three-year old Tonks froze as she heard her mother's booming voice. "For the love of all that is holy, what in Merlin's name do you think you are doing to Mr. Chuckles?"

Tonks looked down at the toy wand she was holding in one hand while she held the tail of a graying, fat cat in the other. She sheepishly looked up at her mother as she said, "Wanted to make Mr. Chuckles change hair colors." Her mother's eyes narrowed. Tonks smiled more brightly, "Just like me!" She scrunched up her nose and immediately her black hair became royal blue.

Andromeda swept down, and simultaneously released the cat from her daughter's grasp while she took the toy wand away from Tonks. "No! We do NOT change Mr. Chuckles hair. Bad girl!"

Tonks bit her lip as her lower lip began to quiver. "But..."

"No, buts... Now, I want you to go upstairs and think about what you've done. And then you're going to apologize to Mr. Chuckles for trying to change his fur different colors..."

"But, Mum..." Tonks wailed.

"You WILL go upstairs, right now, Nymphadora or you aren't going to be allowed to see Sirius and his friends when they come by after dinner," Andromeda said sternly.

Tonks' eyes opened wide. "Ohh, Siri?"

Andromeda crossed her arms. "Yes."

"And Remy, too?" Tonks looked at her mother wide-eyed. "Story-time?"

Andromeda re-crossed her arms as she said, "Remus only comes to see little girls who behave, Nymphadora... And, unless you do as you're told, I can most assuredly tell you Remus won't have any time for a little hellion like you."

But this, of course, is where Andromeda was wrong... because even if Remus didn't have time for Tonks, he always made it.

"Wotcher, Remy!" Tonks said as she bounded down the stairs of her house. Her new dress itched like crazy, and she was doing all she could to keep from changing her hair to some other color than her natural, drab black which her mother had insisted she had to maintain at least through the party.

An eighteen year-old Remus Lupin smiled, "Hello, Dora. Happy Birthday."

Tonks raced down the remaining steps and threw herself into Remus' arms. "What'd ya bring me?"

Remus gently gave Tonks a small squeeze before setting her back down on the floor. "My, how pretty you look today. And, in a dress and all."

Tonks' nose scrunched together. "Mum made me... for the party and all."

Remus bent down on one knee and looked into the little girl's shining blue eyes. "What? You don't like your dress?"

Tonks shook her head. "No. It's new... and it itches... and I have to wear all these things on underneath it. Mum says it's what 'refined' ladies where and all."

Remus surpressed a smile. "Oh, do they now?'

Tonks nodded. "I hate dresses, Remy. When I grow up, I'm never going to wear a dress ever again. I'm going to wear whatever I want whenever I want, and I'm still going to be beautiful."

"Oh, I don't think you have to worry about not being beautiful, Dora... you're the prettiest little girl I know," Remus said thoughtfully.

Tonks smiled. "Really?"

Nodding, Remus said, "Really."

"Good. Then..." Tonks was unusually hesitant as she let her voice trail off. Remus narrowed his eyes as Tonks' uncharacteristic behavior.

"What, Dora?" Remus prodded.

Tonks looked at her feet as she mumbled, "Nothing."

Softly raising her chin with his hand, he smiled as he said, "Come on. I thought you always said you'd tell me everything, Dora. Didn't you?"

Tonks nodded with a smile.

"Good, then tell me," Remus prodded again.

Tonks took a breath, and said quickly, "It's just that Sirius saw me in the dress, and he laughed at me... and he said I looked more like a Black than anyone had a right too... and that as long as I was more Black than Tonks, I couldn't be his Dora anymore." She paused before she added as an afterthought, "Whatever that means."

Remus was quiet for a moment before he said softly, "Sirius really said that?"

Tonks nodded.

Remus sighed. "He shouldn't have done that, Dora."

Tonks nodded again. "I know. He wasn't laughing when he said it... and Sirius always laughs. And when Mum heard him say it, she dragged him out of the room, and they started yelling at each other. I could hear them. I don't think they knew I was listening." Tonks paused. "Do you know what he meant, Remy?"

Remus was silent for a moment before he said, "Maybe, but it's not important, Dora. Because, you know what?"

Tonks smiled as she said, "What?"

Remus pulled her into a hug and said, "Because you can always be my Dora."

"Really?" Tonks asked as she smiled her beautiful smile which only seemed to come out whenever Remus was around.

He nodded. "Really."

"Oh, good." She leaned into his hug and whispered into his ear, "I like you more than Sirius anyway. You smell better."

Remus laughed. As the pair pulled a part, Tonks said, "Now, what did you get me for my birthday?"

Remus smiled. "Oh, just a new friend. Her name's Marie, and I think she's been waiting all her life just to meet you, Dora."

"Really?"

"Really."

"Dear Remus... Just a quick note in case Mum and Sirius haven't told you yet... I am in GRYFFINDOR! Professor McGonagall put that itchy hat on my head... You know the one that smells so funny? It smells like sweat, dust, and lemon drops if you can go figure that one out. I thought that Da was the only wizard in Britain who ate that weird Muggle candy... Anyway, as soon as she put it on my head, it whispered to me, 'Another Black? Or another Tonks?' It paused for a really brief moment, and then it said, 'No, you're really not either one are, you? You're your own person, and the only way for you to make your own path is to start you in the house of neither your father nor mother. So, it best be GRYFFINDOR!' I am so excited. Red and gold goes so much better with many more hair colors than any of the other house color combinations, after all. And guess what? I made a new friend the first moment I got here, Remy. His name is Peeves, and he is just too cool!..."

The candle inside her jack-o'-lantern on the porch had long ago burned out, but everyone was still awake. Looking like he was dead, Remus came into the kitchen. He looked first at Ted, and then at Andromeda, and finally at Tonks. He couldn't bear to raise his eyes to meet the little girl's gaze.

Andromeda knew something was wrong, but didn't prod him. As he came over and sat in the chair next to Tonks, he began to talk in a very measured and very quiet voice… measured and quiet even for Remus. It took Tonks some time to put things together. She wasn't even supposed to be at home tonight... But Professor Dumbledore had sent Hagrid to take her home earlier that evening, "Just to be on the safe side."

And, as Tonks was contemplating what Remus was saying, some of his words finally registered.

"Voldemort is dead, Andi..."

"...James and Lily gone..."

"He killed Peter... Peter's gone..."

"Sirius betrayed them. Sirius..." The words nearly choked Remus as he tried to get them out. "Sirius betrayed us all."

SIRIUS. BETRAYED. THEM.

SIRIUS. BETRAYED. US.

The words he said finally sunk in, and as her parents cried out in pain, only for the second time in her life did Nymphadora Tonks really cry. Tonks didn't even register it when her father clutched a hysterical Andromeda to his chest in a hug so tight Tonks thought her mum might have trouble breathing. However, the thought was fleeting as Tonks' own grief was so great. The tears were silently falling down her cheeks before she even realized she was crying. Her mother, loud and wailing, didn't notice while her father was too busy trying to calm Andromeda down to help his daughter. However, one person did notice. Soft and silent tears falling down his own haggard face, Remus Lupin reached out to Tonks. And, unlike the first time she had ever really cried seven years before, she reached back. For the first time in her life, Remus Lupin was there to hold her while she held him, and all four people quietly cried in the eerily silent kitchen.

"How utterly depressing," Sirius said as he went to the tea kettle. "And this is how you've come to fancy Remus over all the years? Through such maudlin despondency?"

Tonks smiled a wry smile as her eyes twinkled. "Oh, it wasn't all so bad."

Sirius crossed his arms in a mock defensive gesture. "I'm glad to know that the most hellish night of my life served as an excuse for Remus to cop his first feel from you."

Tonks laughed. "If only... then, maybe if he had, I wouldn't be in the right old mess that I am now."

"So, how in the bloody hell did you go from there to where you are now? Obviously, things weren't always so... miserable," Sirius said.

Tonks shook her head. "No, not always." She paused, smiling as she remembered and unshared thought. "In fact, things seemed to get better the older I got. Going through auror training put a whole new perspective on my relationship with Remus. In fact, there was this one time right after I graduated from Hogwarts that I think I utterly and truly realized that I saw Remus as something more than my-cousin-who-would-be-a-brother's best friend."

Tonks bit her lip and flushed at the memory. Sensing her discomfort, Sirius came back and sat down. "So, what happened next?"

Tonks grinned evilly. "Wouldn't you just like to know?"

* * *


	6. Ch 4: A Flash From the Beginning

IF WISHES WERE GOOD-BYES  
By: Lesera128  
Rated: PG-13

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Everything Harry Potter belongs to the goddess J.K. Rowling. All hail the queen!

A/N: As a human, I do reserve the right on occasion to make a mistake. However, even my tired eyes and the beta's will occasionally miss a letter here and there when the work IS proofread. Thank-you to everyone for all their constructive comments, but do try to remember that I'm not infallible. That being said, Enjoy!

* * *

Chapter 4: A Flash from the Beginning

* * *

The last of the Earl Gray tea which Sirius had brewed had long ago been drank. Even the few biscuits that Molly had left behind to satisfy Sirius' occasional snacking binges had been absentmindedly consumed during Tonk's recounting of how she ended up exactly to the point in her life were she had gone out, drank a hell of a lot of fire whiskey, done a bunch of stupid things, and ended up blessed with the worst hangover she had ever suffered. Hours had passed as she and Sirius had spoken throughout the early afternoon and into the evening. However, as it was a Monday, and the children were still in school at Hogwarts, the house was still silent except for the dulcet tones of the pair speaking in the kitchen.

Tonks stood up and stretched her hands to the ceiling as she arched her back. "Oi..." Tonks yawned. "I had no idea sitting in these chairs for so long could do such long term damage to one's spinal cord."

"And I can see your belly button," Sirius pointed with a grin. As Tonks had stretched upwards, her t-shirt had moved up just enough to reveal the flatness of her pale mid-drift. Tonks looked down, and shrugged, but she did not adjust the shirt as she was too content in -- and not yet finished with -- her stretching exercises, and she had no desire to interfere with her attempts to crack her back again.

After a few more seconds, Tonks yawned once more, and came to sit back down. She smirked at Sirius who was still grinning lecherously at her as she said, "If you weren't my cousin, I would slug you, you know that?"

"Pretend I'm Remus," Sirius said with a wink.

Tonks narrowed her eyes. "I am not even going to dignify that comment with an appropriate response."

"Better not," Sirius agreed. He paused before he looked up and added nonplused, "But, then again, even a blind fool who was deaf and dumb would know that I am far too mercurial to be mistaken for good ole Moony."

"Yuck," Tonks said as she pursed her lips together in displeasure.

Sirius quirked an eyebrow at her, "What?" He paused and then added with a lecherous grin, "You think I'm wrong?"

Tonks shook her head. "Indeed not."

"What then?" Sirius pressed.

"It's... it's nothing," Tonks said with a wave of her hand. "Nothing."

"Tonks," Sirius said, his voice leveling. "Out with it."

Tonks threw up her hands in resignation as she said, "Okay, it's just that... well, I kind of hate it when you call him that."

Sirius looked at her gaggle-eyed. "What? Moony?"

"Well, yeah," Tonks said.

"But, that's his name," Sirius said. "What else would I call him?"

"No, it isn't his name," Tonks said. "Remus is his name, not Moony."

"Now listen here, little cousin," Sirius said, righteous with indignation. "Remus has had that nickname a lot longer than you've been alive."

Tonks shrugged. "I know."

"And just because you have... well, whatever it is you have for him now, that doesn't mean you are allowed to go all Yoko Ono on us and start changing everything," Sirius said. The reaction he was expecting from Tonks was not the one he received when she laughed.

"Yoko Ono, Sirius? Have you been talking to my Da again?" Tonks said. "I thought he was the only wizard around here who used crazy Muggleisms to explain things."

Sirius grinned. "I'll have you know that Kingsley is also very fond of muggle music, especially the Beatles. He's loaned me a few of those music disc thingies, andArthur let me borrow one of thoseplayers that he's rigged to use with magic, and I have to agree with Kingsley, a lot of their stuff is quite good." He paused, and then looked up at Tonks as he lowered his voce and added, "Although I think part of the reason that Kingsley seems so attached to their music may have to do with the fact that I think he fancies that McCartney one, but you didn't hear that one from me." They both laughed, and then Sirius said, "Now, why don't you like it when I call Moony Moony?"

Tonks shrugged. "Oh, I don't know. I've just never really cared for it," Tonks said.

Sirius eyed her, his hands on his hips. Tonks sighed and then continued. "If you must know, every time I hear you call him call that, I get these visions of some poor young man flashing his scrawny, pale, bare bum at poor, unsuspecting victims... And, well, it can really kill things sometimes, you know what I mean?"

"Hey, we only did that once, and it was to Lily's sister's stupid git of a husband after Lily and James got married… and I don't think that Remus even remembers it because he was tanked up on Ogden's himself at the time… proof that even the best of us have our disagreements with Firewhiskey and do really stupid things, my dear cousin," Sirius nodded matter-of-factly at Dora. He then added, "And besides, I don't think Remus' bum is all that scrawny if you ask me. Pale, sure, but name one person around here aside from Kingsley whose bum isn't on the peaky side, and I'll show you a liar... except for Dumbledore, maybe... he's always struck me as an avid sunbather, if you catch my drift," Sirius finished as he waggled his eyebrows.

Tonks sighed, "Oi, Sirius enough with the imagery, hmm?" She shook her head and muttered, "And people wonder why I thought you all were gay from the time I was twelve."

Sirius narrowed his eyes. "I heard that." He re-crossed his arms, and added, "You know, if you had merely asked any one of us, I am sure that any one of us would have been more than happy to clear up the common misconception that all four of us had no other desire in this world than to profess our love for each other and then have hot, sweaty sex." Sirius paused and then narrowed his eyes again. "Of course, maybe not Peter. I wouldn't have put it past him… he seems like the type that would repress, and he WAS always looking at James and me in what I can only describe as uncomfortable stares." Sirius shrugged, "You never could tell what was wrong with that stupid little git."

"Sirius, for the love of Merlin, enough with the imagery!" Tonks cried.

Sirius grinned. "All right, but only if you quit teasing me and tell me what was so interesting between you and REMUS..."

"Thank-you," Tonks said with approval.

Sirius nodded. "Yes, you're welcome. Now, tell me what happened between you and Remus after you graduated Hogwarts."

Tonks nodded. "Okay."

"Okay?" Sirius said surprised.

"Okay," Tonks nodded. "But only if you get something cooking. I'm suddenly famished."

"I thought you weren't hungry. Remember 'JUST TEA'?" Sirius said with a smile.

Tonks responded, "Yes, of course I remember when I felt like my head was going to fall off my head with just the slightest push... but, that was over six hours ago, Sirius. Aren't you hungry?"

"Maybe," Sirius said. "Depends on how good your story is..."

"Oh, fine," Tonks said. "If you really want to know..."

* * *

Nymphadora Tonks' seven years' at Hogwarts came to an end on a blissful day in late June. From the moment she woke up in Gryffindor Tower and looked out the window to see a clear blue sky with puffy, white clouds, Tonks knew it was going to be a perfect day.

The leaving feast wasn't until this evening, but it was the graduation ceremony in the afternoon that had Tonks all in jitters. Since the outbreak of the war, she hadn't had cause to have many happy days where her Hogwarts and home worlds mixed. However, this day was to be an exception. So many people were coming just to see her... Granny Tonks, her mum, her dad, even Remus Lupin had promised to come and see her graduate. Tonks grinned at the thought. It had been almost a year and a half since she had seen Remus. Ever since that fateful and tragic November morning, the times where the paths of her life and that of Remus' had crossed had been few and far between. While they kept in contact via regular owl posts, it almost seemed to Tonks that Remus had done his best to isolate and distance himself from her. Tonks only recognized the symptoms because she had made similar moves when, at the age of seven, she had discovered that Remus loved Lily and that left little room in Remus' heart for Tonks or anyone else.

After spending a joyful morning with Peeves rigging together some last minute pranks on unsuspecting first years, Tonks decided to go down to the lake to wait for her parents to arrive. Peeves almost seemed depressed at the thought of losing Tonks as a conspirator.

"Icckle Tonksie, with you gone Peevesie won't have no one to teach Filch and that nasty cat of his manners anymore, no he won't, no sir," he said dejectedly.

Tonks thought about looking up and offering Peeves some comfort, but if it was one thing their strange seven year relationship of mischief making had taught her, it was that comfort was a show of weakness concerning the poltergeist, and with Peeves, one had no room to show weakness if one didn't want to end up thoroughly hassled in some way.

Stretching out on a blanket on the lake's sandy beach, Tonks dozed quietly, keen to any sounds to alert her to anyone who might be trying to sneak up on her. After about an hour, she was dozing when a cool hand gently caressed her face. Tonks smiled in her sleep before she woke up and found herself staring into a man's face. She had difficulty seeing who it was due to the sun backlighting his crouched stance, and so closed her eyes.

"Tonks?"

"Hmmm?"

"Tonks, wake up," the voice softly prodded again.

"Mmmmm," Tonks murmured as she opened her eyes again. "Wotcher, Danny."

"Hey," Tonks friend Danny said with a smile. "Mind if I sit down?"

Shaking off her lethargy, Tonks quickly sat up. "Nope, be my guest." Stifling a yawn, she scooted over on the blanket, and said, "What's up?"

Danny sat down and said, "Not much. Just wasting time before my family gets here this afternoon, you know?"

Tonks nodded. Silence descended on the pair before Danny said, "Okay, that's not really all I'm doing."

Tonks raised an eyebrow. "Oh?"

Danny nodded and then began to babble. "You see, it's just that after today, the rest of our lives are going to be different. Not that I won't see you again since we'll be in auror training, but we're going to be adults, and when we're adults we have to be responsible and not do things like this..."

And, suddenly, Danny reached out and grabbed Tonks. He mashed his lips against hers. For a few seconds Tonks was generally surprised… no shocked as she realized that Danny was kissing her... her first kiss. After all this time, she was FINALLY getting her first kiss... and all she could think of was how bad Danny's breath smelled.

After a few more seconds, Danny pulled away and smiled at her. "I'm sorry, Tonks. It's just that I've liked you for a really long time, and I needed to know if it was just a crush or something more... so I thought that if I kissed you I might be able to figure it out."

"And?" Tonks asked dumbfounded.

Danny cast his eyes downward. "You're a really nice girl and all, Tonks but... well," he looked up at her and nodded. "Well, you know, right?"

"Know what?" Tonks asked bewildered. "What?"

Danny seemed flustered and embarrassed as his cheeks tinged rose as he said, "Well, when I just kissed you... it wasn't, you know, all I thought it would be. I thought it would be more... special and then I'd know how I really felt about you."

Tonks looked up at Danny, still confused. Danny mistook her confusion for comprehension as he jokingly punched her on the shoulder. "No hard feelings though, right, Tonks?"

"No," Tonks said slowly. "No hard feelings."

Standing up, Danny said, "You're a terrific mate, Tonks. I'll see you at the ceremony later, right?"

Tonks nodded. Danny then said good-bye and disappeared as quickly as he had come although his ambush left Tonks in a lot more mental disarray than when he had found her.

Tonks remained seated on the blanket. She sat just staring out at the lake. The sun beat down on her as Tonks thought about what had just happened. She had just had her first kiss, and apparently she had been so terrible at it that she had driven Danny away in seconds.

Tonks felt her eyes water. It wasn't that she liked Danny or anything -- he was a friend at best. But, still, his perceived rejection still stung Nymphadora... especially considering the fact that the one area of her life where she had absolutely no confidence stemmed from her childhood ideas on romance thanks to an ideology she had adopted some ten years ago when she had overhead a conversation between Lily Evans and...

"Tonks?"

The voice was soft, but full of concern. At first, Tonks thought she was imagining it. And then, almost as if Tonks had wished for him to come and her wish had been granted, Remus Lupin appeared at her side.

"Tonks? What's wrong?" Remus asked. "Why are you crying?"

Almost as if she had suddenly noticed it, Tonks immediately felt the tears running down her cheeks. She hastily reached up and began to brush them away. However, Remus stopped her when he held her hand with one of his own while he took his free hand and brushed away her remaining tears. His tenderness almost made Tonks want to keep crying.

"What is it?" Remus said softly. "Tell me."

Tonks shook her head as she choked back a sniffle. "It's... it's nothing."

"Dora, you never cry," Remus said. He pulled back and sat on his haunches. "Come to think of it, I don't think I ever seen you cry before except, well except that one night with... well, when we found out about... when we found out about Sirius. So, obviously something bad has to have happened."

Tonks sighed. What she wanted to say was, "Oh, I've cried plenty, Remus. But, usually it's because I know I love you, and I also know that you'll never love me because the only woman you'll ever love is Lily Evans, and so I never let you see me cry..."

Instead, Tonks said, "It was just... it was just a friend, Remus. He caught me off guard about something."

The tone in Remus' voice immediately changed at the mention of the word 'him.' His eyes narrowed as he said sharply, "What happened?"

Tonks' noticed the defensive tone, and was touched. She smiled a weak smile. "You'll think I'm being stupid, Remus."

"How am I going to know what to think unless you tell me what happened, Dora?" Remus said. "Please? Tell me."

And, so the story came out in a jumble of words. Remus was quiet for several moments as Tonks finished by saying, "...and it was my first kiss, and I think I must be the worst kisser in the history of the wizarding world, because he ran off so quickly, Remus! And, I didn't even get a chance to tell him that I wasn't any good at it because it was my first time, and now my life is ruined, and I'm going to be a spinster just like Arabella Figg, and I don't know what I am going to do because I hate cats, and..."

"Dora," Remus said softly.

Tonks looked up. "What?"

"It's not that bad," Remus said. "It was just one kiss." He paused before he added, "Besides, it is not like you won't have opportunities in the future to make up for one bad experience."

"It WAS that bad, and I won't have any other opportunities because once Danny Malik runs his big fat bloody trap about how bad a kisser I am, the whole male population of Britain, both wizards and muggles, are going to stay as far away from me as they can," Tonks said.

Remus laughed. "I highly doubt that."

"How do you know?" Tonks said as she crossed her arms.

Remus shrugged. "Because I'm a male, I live in Britain, and I already know what you seem to think that Danny Malik will be announcing in this evening's edition of _The Daily Prophet _about your perceived inability to snog properly, and I'm not running from you, am I?"

"You aren't going to kiss me either," Tonks said almost before she realized that it had slipped out.

Remus looked at Tonks for a moment who felt her cheeks redden with embarrassment. "Not that you'd want to," Tonks added hastily.

"What makes you think I wouldn't want to if I were your age, Tonks? You're a very attractive young lady," Remus said, a hint of mischief in his voice.

Tonks bit her lip before she said, "Nothing, I suppose."

Remus crossed his own arms as he said, "Well, this is quite a conundrum. Ted and Andi sent me to find you for pictures before the ceremony, but I can't bring you back to them like this or they'd kill me with you looking as miserable as you did on the day we buried Mr. Chuckles simply because you think you're the worst kisser in the whole of the wizarding world."

At the mention of her long dead cat, Tonks cracked a smile.

Remus nodded as he said, "Tell you what, Tonks. I'll make you a deal."

Tonks perked up in interest. "What's that?"

"If I prove to you that you aren't as bad a kisser as you think you are, will you cheer up and try to enjoy your graduation day?" Remus asked.

Tonks' eyes widened as she said, "How do you propose to do that?"

"You just leave that to me," Remus said. "Do we have a deal?"

"Well, yeah..." The words were hardly out of Tonks' mouth before she was being pulled forward towards Remus. He gently pressed his lips to hers, and this time the surprise which inundated Tonks quickly wore off. She felt one of Remus' arms tighten its hold on her waist while the other stroked the small of her back in a gentle caress. Tonks was at a loss for where to put her own hands and settled for clasping them about his neck. Tonks could feel his heat pulse between the pair as his soft lips teased and tasted her in a gentle kiss. Tonks was just starting to enjoy the taste of his kiss, and the feel of his silky hair going through her fingers when he pulled back.

He smiled at her. "Now, that wasn't so bad was it?"

Tonks, somewhat unprepared said softly, "No... no, it wasn't bad at all."

"Ergo, you must not be as bad a kisser as you think," Remus said as he stood and extended a hand to Tonks who was now smiling.

As she grabbed his outstretched hand and allowed herself to be pulled to her feet, Tonks said, "I guess not."

Remus grinned at her again, and led her back towards the castle as the thought that passed through her head was that Remus smelled and tasted like mint.

* * *

"He kissed you?" Sirius asked completely surprised. "But I thought this... well, whatever this thing is or isn't between you is a recent thing."

Tonks shrugged. "In some ways it is, Sirius... and, well, in others it's been going on since the day I turned eight years old."

* * *


	7. Ch 5: Concealment and Disguise

IF WISHES WERE GOOD-BYES  
By: Lesera128  
Rated: PG-13

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Everything Harry Potter belongs to the goddess J.K. Rowling. All hail the queen!

A/N: Enjoy!

* * *

Chapter 5: Concealment and Disguise

* * *

"I still can't believe that you let Remus kiss you, and then you didn't even tell me about it!" Sirius moaned. "Oh, my eyes!"

Tonks narrowed her own eyes as she crossed her arms and leaned back in her chair. "I was only seventeen, Sirius. Besides, it wasn't as if I could owl you, Sirius... you know, with you being in Azkaban and all."

Sirius gave her a lopsided grin. "Oh, right."

Tonks shrugged. "Besides, at the time it wasn't that big a deal. It was just... just an experiment between two friends."

"An experiment?" Sirius questioned. "What kind of experiment?"

"I told you... after things ended so terribly with Danny, I spent the day crying at the lake because I was afraid that if a bloke like Danny couldn't get hot and bothered when he kissed me, than I was obviously the one with a major problem." Tonks stopped and picked at an imaginary piece of link on her shirt before she added, "I've never been terribly confident in that area, you know?"

Sirius nodded. "Oh, I see... Remus was just doing the gentlemanly thing by offering to snog you senseless."

"We didn't 'snog', Sirius... we just kissed." Tonks stopped and sighed. "Besides, it is not like I had much time to think about what it did or didn't mean. I was off to Auror Training less than two weeks later."

"That quickly?" Sirius asked.

Tonks nodded. "Of course. How do you think I ended up in the Order, anyway?"

Sirius shrugged. "I don't know... Kingsley?"

Tonks smiled. " 'Course not... come to think of it, if anything, Kingsley is in the Order because of me."

Sirius asked, "Then how?"

At this, Tonks actually grinned. "Wouldn't you just know it, but the head of my class' testing board was none other than..."

---

"...Moody. My name is Alastor Moody," Moody looked down at the group of twenty young Auror recruits. "But you all can call me Mad-Eye."

Tonks stood perfectly still, trying her hardest to breath as little as possible. Her black training robes were neat and pressed. Her hair was a nondescript brunette color for the purposes of training.

"The first task we will be completing to determine preliminary aptitudes in each area of Auror Study concerns Concealment and Disguise."

Tonks had no problem with any of the tasks put before her in the preliminary testing. What did bother her a bit was the 'homework' assigned to the class by Moody.

"You want us to do what?" Danny Malik asked. Out of coincidence, he had joined Tonks in training with only two or three other recent Hogwarts graduates.

"I believe you heard me, Mr. Malik," Moody grunted. "I will cast a spell using my wand which will chose a person from your memories that is not only one of the people who knows you best and for whom you care, but also someone it should be exceptionally difficult for you to trick into believing that you are someone else. Now, each of you stand up here, and let's see what the spell says about who your 'homework' is going to be."

Tonks was dreading standing forward. 'Please, Merlin, let it be someone who won't be too embarrassed if I bungle this up.' Tonks thought to herself.

"Tonks, Nymphadora," Moody growled. "You're next."

"It's just Tonks," Dora said as a matter of habit before she realized to whom she was speaking. Moody turned both of his eyes to her and looked her up and down. "Or Tonks, Nymphadora is good, too." Tonks gulped.

"Tonks, right," Moody said. "Let's do it."

And as Tonks moved forward and closed her eyes, she heard Moody say the incantation. In a puff of smoke, a name materialized out the end of the wand.

"Hmmm, now isn't that interesting," Moody said.

'Let me die now,' Tonks thought

---

It had become common practice since the years of James and Lily's murders and Sirius' imprisonment that Remus came to see Ted and Andi Tonks each Sunday afternoon for tea. Despite the fact that the Tonks' lived in Hogsmeade, Remus was slightly amused to note that Tonks was always absent from these Sunday get-togethers, even when Remus specifically visited the Tonks on weekends he knew that the students from Hogwarts were allowed to visit the village.

It was not until after Tonks' graduation and their heretofore unmentioned kiss by the lake that there was a change to the pattern. When Tonks had moved to London to complete her training as an Auror, the tradition tradition was ammended to that Remus met Tonks by herself for brunch at 11am in the Leaky Cauldron before he would then floo to Hogsmeade to have early afternoon tea with Ted and Andi.

Thus, in actuality, Tonk's 'homework assignment' from Moody was an easy one compared to some of her classmates. But, Dora knew she was going to die from embarrassment if Remus ever found out what she had done.

Changing her appearance was a natural ability Dora had possessed from the time she had learned to walk and talk. Being a metamorphmagus was just like that. What age had brought to Tonks was a certain level of control over and skill with her abilities. As she had grown older, Tonks had mastered more and more difficult transformations. Some were easy to maintain... a different hairstyle or eye color, for example, was much more easy for her to change and maintain then when she had to transform her height, face shape, or other natural endowments. It could be done, but it was a lot more trying and time consuming. Throughout the early weeks of her training, before she was put out to do her 'homework', Tonks had worked for with ministry officials who could help her with her abilities. Her skills honed and refined, Tonks knew that if she was going to do anything, now was the time to do so.

However, once she was committed to pulling one over on Remus, she decided to conduct a little experiment of her own.

"Do you have an idea of the appearance you are going to use to try and fool Lupin?" Moody had asked her the afternoon before she was supposed to meet Remus.

Tonks nodded. "Oh, I have an idea."

"Good," Moody said. "Good."

And, the appearance Tonks had chosen was a good one. Definitely difficult to maintain, but if she could fool Remus into thinking that she was someone else by using this specific appearance, she was sure to get top marks in Concealment and Disguise.

Tonks had gotten to the Leaky Cauldron a good hour and a half before Remus's arrival. She locked herself in one of the loo's stalls, and simply waited, concentrating on the disguise she had chosen -- shoulder length, wavy deep, auburn hair, pale skin, a dusting of light freckles on her oval face, and shining green eyes. The choices were deliberate. Tonks had decided that since she was on this journey of self discovery, she might as well make the best of it.

Looking at her wrist watch, Tonks knew that now was the time if she was ever going to do it. She was already twenty minutes late, but Tonks knew that Remus would be patient and wait for her. Tonks listened to make sure the rest of the loo was empty before she stepped outside. Opening the door, Tonks closed her eyes and morphed. Going to the mirror, she adjusted her hair by pulling it behind her ear as she had seen Lily do so often. Looking herself over, Tonks nodded. She wasn't an exact replica of Lily Evans Potter, but at a passing glimpse, she was close enough so that the resemblance was marked.

The mirror smiled back at her sleepily and said, "You look lovely, dearie, but are you sure red is your color?"

Tonks grinned, and shook her head. "No, probably not. Then again, it never has been." Nodding once more to herself, Tonks said, "Let's do it, Dora."

Pulling the door open, Tonks quickly scanned the room. She saw Remus just where she knew he would be. Her timing had been impeccable. He was just getting up to leave as Tonks walked by. Her natural clumsiness for once aided Tonks as she let herself stumble and fall in Remus' general direction.

"Oh!" Dora cried.

Almost as if by instinct, Lupin reached out with an arm to try and steady the stumbling Dora. However, Dora's clumsy feet took over as she stepped on his foot while trying to regain her own balance. He cried out with an "Omphh" of his own, and the pair both went down in a tangle of arms, legs, and robes. Unfortunately, Dora was not able to take into account that when she went down the distance between where she fell and the tabletop was misjudged. She hit her head on the hard table, and cried out in pain. The world spun for a moment, and Dora began to have even more adrenaline than was already in her body surge through her veins as she feared that when she had been distracted by the pain of her fall, she might have let go of the morph.

However, by that point, Remus was already on his feet and was extending an arm to her. "Easy does it," Remus said.

Dora took the hand he had extended to her and allowed herself to be pulled back to her feet. For the first time, Remus got a good look at her face and seemed to do a double take. It was only a moment before he found his lost voice and asked, "Are you all right?"

Tonks' head was legitimately pounding as she placed her free hand on the offending table. "It's harder than it looks, but... I think I'll live."

"You sure you're all right? Maybe you should go see a Healer just to be on the safe side," he said.

Tonks shook her head, and instantly regretted it as the world began to spin. "No, I'll be all right... just as soon as I can cast an 'oblivate' on myself to forget this horribly embarrassing moment."

Remus genuinely laughed. "Oh, it's not too bad."

Tonks smiled. "That's easy for you to say. You're not the one who just tried to take out a completely strange wizard."

"Believe me, I'm not so easy to take out," Remus laughed. "A lot of people have tried before, and no one has succeeded yet."

"Oh?" Dora laughed. "Well, that's reassuring to know. But, all the same, please accept my apologies."

Remus shook his head slightly, "It's really not necessary."

"I insist," Dora said. "At the very least let me buy you a drink to let you know how sorry I am for almost permanently maiming you."

Remus seemed to hesitate. "I don't know..."

Tonks immediately backed off as she said, "Oh, you're meeting someone. How obtuse of me. Please forgive me."

Remus shook his head. "I was meeting someone, but it seems as if I've been stood up. We were supposed to meet almost an hour ago." Remus stopped and paused before he added with a grin, "I'm just thinking that it's a bit early for firewhiskey."

"How about some tea, then?" Dora asked.

Remus slowly nodded. "A spot of tea would be lovely."

"Excellent," Tonks said as she extended her hand and Remus extended his and said, "Marie Astuce."

Lupin took her hand and shook it. "Remus Lupin. A pleasure to meet you."

And, it was easy as that. The pair talked throughout the pot of tea that Tonks ordered. Before the pair knew what had happened, the offer of tea had been extended to an offer of lunch, and then dessert. At moments, Tonks almost forgot that technically she was on auror business.

But, sitting across from Remus had a tendency to make Dora forget things... like her own name. She couldn't help it... every time she looked into his warm, brown eyes, she was lost.

Several hours later, Dora realized how late it had become. The pair had left the Leaky Cauldron, and had walked throughout Diagon Alley. When they had come to Flourish and Bloutts, Remus's eyes lingered for a moment before he walked past the bookstore's entrance. Dora stopped and nodded at the door when Remus stopped as well. "Would you like to go in?"

Remus shook his head. "No, that's all right. I didn't really bring enough money with me today to cover the amounts that I usually end up spending every time I go in there," Remus said with a smile.

His smile tugged at Tonks' heart as she realized that what little money Remus could have spent in the bookstore, he had obviously used to pay for the lunch and dessert for which he had insisted he should be responsible. Tonks smiled, "Do you mind if I go in then? I need to pick up something for someone before I forget."

"Oh?"

Dora nodded. "A present."

The pair entered the store, and after a few moments, the two drifted a part to various sections of the store... Remus towards the Dark Arts and Tonks to the shelves that held rare books. After a bit of time had passed, Dora tightly clasped her wrapped and paid for selection in her hands, and went to go find Remus. He was where she thought he would be, longingly gazing at the books, but not touching anything.

"Oh, there you are," Dora said.

Remus looked up with a smile. "Find what you needed?"

Dora nodded as she held up the parcel. "Uh-huh. Ready to go?"

"Sure thing," Remus said as he walked towards her with a smile. Dora couldn't help but smiling back too.

The pair exited the store and walked back towards the Leaky Cauldron exchanging pleasantries. The day had passed, and Dora didn't even know where the time went. Deciding that if she didn't say her good-byes to Remus now than she would risk losing control of the morph, Dora said, "It's been a lovely day, Remus. Thank-you for such an unexpected and wonderful surprise."

Remus smiled. "It's my pleasure, Marie."

The pair were silent for a moment as each anticipated the other asking if they could see each other again, and how each would politely decline without giving offense... each for their own reasons. The silence grew heavy before Tonks reached into her cloak and pulled out the parcel from Flourish and Blotts.

"Here," she said.

Remus looked surprised. "What's this?"

"Just a little something by way of apology since you wouldn't let me pay for lunch after I almost totally rendered you an invalid due to my clumsy, big feet," Tonks said.

Remus smiled wanly, "You didn't have to do this."

"I wanted to," Tonks said genuinely. "And if you don't accept it, I am going to really be embarrassed because I have no one else to give this type of book too, so don't make me have wasted my money, okay?"

Remus was silent for a moment. Tonks nodded at him. "Are you going to open it?"

Slowly, Remus unwrapped the white string and the brown paper. His eyes widened as he took out a battered but still good copy of a book entitled "The Rise and Fall of Necromancer in Scotland in the High Middle Ages."

"Oh," Remus said. "But, how...?"

Tonks smiled, having her answer ready, "You mentioned your love of Mitchell and his work on Dart Arts theory in the twelfth century at lunch, remember? Considering how the book isn't in print anymore, I thought you might not have it."

"But, it's too much," Remus said. "I couldn't possibly..."

"Yes, you can," Dora said. "Besides, I already told you what would happen if you didn't accept it. So, just take the book and thank me like a proper gentleman."

Remus, somewhat taken aback, reached forward and gently kissed Dora's cheek. "Thank-you," he said.

And, before Dora realized what was happening, she suddenly was in a bit of shock herself. She found herself in Remus' arms in the shade of the setting sun. She could just see the outline of the ¾ moon visible on the red and purple colored horizon. A cool breeze drifted over her as she felt Remus kiss her. It definitely wasn't what Dora was expecting Remus to do... any one else? Sure, but not Remus Lupin. He would never act... so impulsively. When he sensed that Dora wasn't responding, he began to pull away until she pulled him back. They stood there for a moment, and Dora found herself remembering the way he had kissed her by the lake at Hogwarts. This was sort of like it, but this time when she pressed herself against him, he didn't pull back. He didn't stop. As a matter a fact, their kissed intensified. It almost felt as if Remus was trying to suck Dora's soul out of her very being as the kissed deepened. Dora felt fireworks explode behind her eyes.

The only thought aside from how wonderful it felt to be touched and treated like this by Remus was that Dora heard echoing in her vast mind, 'So this is what it must have felt like when he kissed Lily.'

---

"Wait a minute," Sirius said, indignant. "Wait just a damn minute. You kissed Remus not once, but TWICE, and I never knew about it?"

Tonks smiled. "No, I kissed him once and Marie kissed him once. And besides, if Remus didn't know that it was me who was kissing him instead of Marie, what makes you think I would tell you?"

"I thought you liked me better than him," Sirius said, pouting.

Tonks smiled. "I do... most of the time, anyway."

Sitting up in his chair, Sirius asked, "So what happened after?"

Tonks smiled, "We said our good-byes, and went our separate ways. I never missed Sunday brunch again with Remus unless one of us was on a mission for the Order... oh, and I was the only auror trainee in my class that got full marks in Concealment and Disguise."

"He never knew?" Sirius asked incredulously.

Tonks shook her head. "No, he never knew."

* * *


	8. Ch 6: Facing the Facts

IF WISHES WERE GOOD-BYES  
By: Lesera128  
Rated: PG-13

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Everything Harry Potter belongs to the goddess J.K. Rowling. All hail the queen!

A/N: Enjoy!

* * *

Chapter 6: Facing the Facts

* * *

"All right, Tonks," Sirius said as he paced the span of kitchen tile in front of the fire place. "That's it. I've had enough."

Tonks looked up from her bottle of butter beer with an uncharacteristic look of angelic innocence on her face. "What?"

Sirius frowned as he looked up at her and said, "You know damn well what."

Tonks raised her eyebrows as she looked at him questioningly.

"Well?" Sirius pressed.

"Well what?" Tonks said.

"Tonks!"

Tonks sighed. "Sirius, what do you want me to say?"

Sirius continued his pacing as he said, "I want to know why all this stuff was going on and why I apparently missed everything... especially considering the fact that I thought I would be the first person to know if something like THIS were going on in either your life or Remus' life, let alone both of your lives together."

Tonks sighed again as she said, "I can't speak for Remus when I say this, Sirius, but at least for me, the reason I didn't want to tell you anything was because I didn't want to admit it to myself." Tonks paused as she bit her lip in an uncharacteristically nervous gesture before she added, "I figured that as long as I didn't acknowledge the situation for what it was, then maybe it would go away, and I wouldn't have to deal with it. I thought maybe things would stay the same, and I wouldn't have to worry about how I was changing things for the worst. I thought that ignoring things would keep them from being true."

Turning around, Sirius came and sat down next to his cousin. "Dora."

Looking up, Tonks said, "Hmmm?"

"I'm sorry."

"For what, Sirius? It's not like all of this isn't my fault," Tonks said. "I guess I just wasn't strong enough to keep my feelings under control, hidden or otherwise."

"It's not your fault," Sirius said. "Whatever words were exchanged between you and Remus in anger before he left, you have to remember that you haven't done anything wrong."

Tonks intook a swift breath as she shook her head. "You didn't hear some of the things I said to him, Sirius... they were so hurtful... but he hurt me, and I wanted to hurt him, and while I am so sorry that I said those things, I can never take them back. He's going to remember that I was capable of saying those things to him, even in anger, for the rest of our lives."

Sirius reached out and placed a hand gently on Tonks' clasped hands. "What did you say, Dora?"

Tonks quickly shook her head. "No, I won't make things worse by repeating them, Sirius. They were horrible enough the first time."

"Dora..."

"No. What I said I'm never going to repeat. And while I am going to apologize to Remus as soon as he comes back, the specter of those words is always going to be between us. I think I broke something between us, Sirius... Because, well, because I threw back into his face something he trusted me with once."

Tonks looked up at Sirius. "Once, Sirius, he was there for me when I had no one else. And I betrayed the faith he placed in me that night. I can never get that back; I can never fix things. I can only hope that maybe Remus will accept my apology and that maybe we can start over."

Tonks was quiet for a moment before she turned from her cousin and said, "I think I'm done talking for a bit, Sirius."

Nodding, Sirius said. "That's fine. We can just sit, if you like."

Tonks smiled weakly, and slowly nodded. Turning her head towards the fire, despite the silence, images of things she would rather not think on danced in the flames much as they danced in her head.

88888

"And, Remus, I believe you know Miss Nymphadora Tonks," Dumbledore said, indicating with a light wave of his hand. "Ted and Andromeda's daughter."

Tonks scowled as she nodded at Dumbledore, "Professor, it's just..."

Dumbledore raised a finger. "Ahh, yes. Forgive me. Remus, allow me to present just 'Tonks'."

Remus smiled, a bit put off by seeing Tonks at Grimmauld Place. "She may be Tonks to everyone else, but I changed her nappies, so I reserve the right to call her Dora."

Tonks narrowed her eyes. "As long as you don't stick 'Nympha' in front of it, I won't have to stun you."

Remus laughed. "Oh, I'd just love to see you try."

"Careful there, laddie," Mad-Eye Moody said as he clunked his way into the kitchen. "She got top marks during her Auror training. One of my best students aside from her two damn left feet."

"Oh, really?" Remus said with a grin. "Is that a fact?"

Tonks moved forward as she tapped her finger on Remus' chest. "I will have you know that I took my dear Aunt Bella out with one shot the last time she tried to escape Azkaban."

"Damn good shot, too," Moody growled. "Just ashamed it was only a stunning spell."

Dumbledore added quietly, "And I believe that Miss Tonks is the only student in the history of Hogwarts that actually can get Peeves to behave... at least as much as Peeves is capable of behaving." Dumbledore smiled, "Yes, it's quite an accomplishment, Miss Tonks."

"Errr..." Tonks' cheeks were suddenly flaming as bright a pink as her bubble gum hair. "Thank-you, sir."

"Hmmm, poltergeist persuasion," Remus said as he narrowed his eyebrows as Tonks. "Quite a useful talent to have."

"One of the reasons I've been accepted into the Order," Tonks said with a grin.

Remus lifted an eyebrow as he said, "One would almost think that you were trying to horn in on my territory."

"Oh?"

Remus nodded. "Dark Arts being my forte and all."

Tonks chuckled, "And here I was thinking that you had given up your love of studying the history of the Dark Arts for that damn phonograph of yours."

Lupin suddenly frowned. "Was I playing it too loud again, last night?"

Tonks shrugged, "Probably. I couldn't really tell with four pillows over my head as I tried to drown out that horrible cacophony of noises. Occupational hazard of having my room next to yours I suppose."

Remus immediately blustered, "It is NOT just noise."

Tonks smiled. If there were three things that anyone knew about Remus Lupin they probably had something to do with his love of medieval Scottish Dark Arts wizarding history, his love of fine Italian red wines, and his damn phonograph.

"You keep telling yourself that, Remus."

Just as Remus opened his mouth to say something, Dumbledore interjected, "I think the rest of the Order are waiting for us in the parlor if you all are ready. It's time to formally induct Miss Tonks and the rest of the new members into the Order."

As everyone stood to begin walking towards the parlor, Tonks smiled evilly at Remus and stuck out her tongue as she believed she had gotten the last word on the matter of Remus' taste in music.

Remus smiled in return because if that is what Tonks believed, she was in for a big surprise.

888

"I can't find her, Mad-Eye!" Remus yelled over the ear shattering noise of splintering wood and screeching metal. Jets of red and green lights streamed over his head as Remus ducked another spell.

Moody shot off three more spells in rapid succession before he grunted, "I saw her go down to your left after Avery sent that stunner her way. She's there, laddie. You just have to look a little harder."

Another jet of red light flew towards Remus. Ducking his head, Remus shot an impedimenta curse towards Avery. He nodded in satisfaction when he heard the man cry out. "Bastard," Remus grunted. Rolling out of the way, Remus lowered his gaze and tried to scan for where Tonks had fallen in the quickly fading twilight of dusk. Letting out a quick breath in frustration, Remus called out, "Tonks!"

Turning his head, Remus looked around quickly. The fighting was disappating. Remus' last curse seemed to have taken Avery down for the count while Moody had Lucius Malfoy and Nott on the run.

A breeze came down the alley, and Remus couldn't help but shiver. The light was almost gone, but it mattered little to Remus. In some ways, he was more in his element in the dark than at any other time. Taking a deep breath, Remus inhaled the scents around him. If he couldn't find Tonks using his eyes, he would use his nose. The first scents to truly hit him were the musty, mildewed smell of the damp alley. But, concentrating just a bit harder, Remus immediately sensed other things... the tangy and metallic smell of blood was overpowering... And the tangy scent of blood would have been all he could have smelled if something else that was present was as of such a pervasive nature. Remus shuddered as he realized what the scent was. Fear.

Taking his wand out, Remus extended it and called for Tonks again. This time, he heard a slight mewling to his left. Running further ahead, Remus stopped in his tracks. The coldness sweeping over him wasn't just from the chilliness of the night. Remus had at last found Tonks. She was curled up against a brick wall. He could see how she had crawled to the position behind a dumpster... a trail of blood was visible in the glinting moonlight. While the trail of blood concerned Remus, it wasn't the thing that was most disturbing to him. No, what upset him most were two shimmering apparitions that were hovering over Tonks. Remus closed his eyes as he recognized them for what they were. He bit his lip as he came closer. The Dementors hadn't noticed him, but he felt their effects just the same.

Images danced behind his vision. He heard and saw things he normally kept buried for the sake of his sanity.

...the heavy scent of roses that clung to the air on an Easter Saturday as he watched Lily walk away from him in a garden after having told him she was in love with James...

...the sound of Albus Dumbledore's eeirly calm and steady voice as he was told that Sirius was the one who had betrayed James and Lily to Voldemort...

...the weary heaviness of James' coffin as Remus carried it up the hill to the graveyard in Godric's Hall...

Remus had to use every ounce of training he possessed to keep from passing out. Lifting his arm, he tried to call out the Patronus charm. The first time he tried to speak the charm, the happy memory he was trying so hard to hang onto result in a wispy, silver thin mist sputtering out from the tip of his wand. The Dementors didn't stop, but one of them did turn around as the failed Patronus had been enough to finally catch its attention and alert it to Remus' presence.

"Tonks!" Remus cried out as he struggled for a memory.

Tonks mewled again, her words indiscernible as she cried out.

"It's Dementors, Tonks," Remus yelled. "Fight them, Tonks! Fight them."

Taking a deep breath, the images became stronger and harder to fight.

...being held so tightly by Dora that he could barely breath as they both cried in Ted and Andi's kitchen the morning after Sirius' betrayal and clung to each other for mere survival...

...a five-year old, cold and alone, crying out in pain as he stared up at a star-filled moonlit sky from where he lay, bleeding from a bit on his left shoulder, on a forest carpet of damp earth and fallen leaves...

Taking one last gasp of a breath, Remus caught onto one image and put every ounce of strength he had behind it as he shouted, "Expecto Patronum!"

...blue eyes, and a new smile...

A blur of silver shot out from the wand, the force of the eruption knocking Remus back to the ground. His patronus snarled once at the two Dementors before it charged towards them. Jaws chomping, it spun around and around the Dementors until they quickly began to retreat, leaving Tonks and Remus alone. The silver specter returned to its master when its job was complete, its tongue lolling in contentment. Remus gave a nod of thanks to the wolf, and then it was quickly gone.

Running forward, Remus was a bit shaky on his feet. He stumbled towards Tonks. Bending down, he could see that she was still shaking.

"Tonks?" Remus reached for her. She shuddered at the warmth of his touch. Although tears were streaming down her cheeks, her eyes were tightly closed, and she was shaking her head.

"No, no, no..." Tonks was moaning. "I won't... I won't... I won't!"

Pulling her towards him, Remus shook her slightly, "Tonks... Come on, Tonks."

At his gentle urging, Tonks slowly opened her eyes. "Remus?"

Nodding, Remus said, "I've got you."

A fresh wave of sobs hit her as she cried, "Oh, Remus... They... They were..."

"Hush, Tonks," Remus said softly.

"But they were..."

"I know," Remus said. "I know, but they're gone now."

"I couldn't fight them off," Tonks said, the sadness quickly dissipating. "I tried, but I just wasn't strong enough."

Looking down, Remus took quick survey of Tonks' sorry state. Her face was matted with dirt and sweat and was covered with scratches. She had scraps and cuts up and down her arms. Her robes were torn and covered in soot and blood. She was bleeding profusely from a nasty gash at her right temple. She was obviously weak, and she didn't seem to have the strength to even maintain any time of morph. Her black hair was long and lanky. It clung to her sweaty forehead. Her eyes, a clear blue, looked slightly clouded. She was extremely pale, and for once Remus could tell it wasn't simply because she had inherited from Andromeda the Blacks' recessive gene for lack of skin pigmentation. Remus knewl she was in pain. However, it wasn't the head wound which concerned Remus the most. A cursory examination determined that a broken leg seemed to be the worst of her injuries.

"You've got a nasty scalp wound, Tonks, which is why you feel so weak. You've lost a lot of blood, but I don't think it's too bad," Remus said as he worked the few basic first aid spells he knew on her and shrugged out of his robes. Tearing the cleanest parts into pieces, he tied the strips of cloth around her head.

Tonks smiled, despite her pain. "And here it was thinking that I was woozy simple because of the Dementors."

"I think your leg is broken, too. We need to get you to St. Mungo's, but Mad-Eye is still off chasing Malfoy and Nott. I'm not sure it's a good idea to try and levitate you while you're conscious without someone who has a more steady hand than I do right at this moment. Do you think if I help you that you can stand on your good leg?" Remus asked.

Dora slowly nodded. "I think so."

"Okay, then on the count of three, we'll stand up, okay?"

Dora nodded again.

"One, two, three."

Remus used as much gentleness as he could in assisting Tonks to stand. She grunted once, and stood for a second with a lop-sided smile on her face. "See? I'm a lot tougher than I look."

Remus smiled, "I've always known that, Dora."

"Mmmm, you smell like mint, you know that Remus?" Tonks grinned, and then said, "But, you know, Remus. I think I am going to need just a minute before we start. I'm suddenly not feeling so good..."

If Remus' reflexes had been so quick, Dora would have fallen to the ground again. Instead, she collapsed against him. "Tonks?"

"Mmmmmm... I'm sort of knackered, Remus. Can't we do this later? I need a real good lye-in, I think..." Tonks murmured into his shoulder.

Clasping her around the waste, Remus then felt his hands come into contact with something wet. Looking closer, he pulled one hand away and saw it red with Tonks' blood.

"Oh, God..."

Gently laying her down, Remus quickly tore open her robes and saw that she was bleeding profusely in the abdomen. "Tonks, why didn't you tell me you were bleeding?"

"Must of slipped my mind... Dementors and all," Tonks murmured as she yawned.

Looking around, Remus muttered an uncharacteristically vulgar oath. Tonks couldn't help but giggle. "Now, now, Professor Lupin, such talk..."

"I need something to stop the bleeding. I think Avery must have hit you with one of those curses that Dolohov specializes in... the charms I know won't do anything for a gash this deep, Tonks," Remus said. Looking down, Remus saw that the majority of Tonks' robes were either in rags or covered in blood while what remained of his own weren't in much of a better condition. Sighing, Remus quickly tucked his wand into his belt, and quickly unbuttoned his shirt. Tonks looked at him with curiosity as he began to tear the shirt.

"Why, Remus," Tonks said with a mischievous lilt to her pain-deadened voice. "I don't think I've ever seen you so improperly dressed."

As Remus bent and tried to tie the strips around her in a type of tourniquet, Remus grunted, "I normally don't like to dress so... casually, but desperate times call for desperate measures."

"What's happened to you?" Tonks said, lifting a finger and tracing a number of white scars across his shoulder. "You almost look like..."

Remus shrugged, "Being what I am, you pick up a few mementos each full moon, you know? It's one of the reasons I've never been keen in wearing anything less than a completely buttoned shirt and robes aside from the fact that casual and I have never really gotten along well."

He continued treating her wounds, but felt Tonks stiffen as he said the words 'full moon.'

"Full moon?" Tonks said softly. "What do you mean, Remus?"

Remus eyed Tonks for a moment before comprehension dawned, "Tonks, don't you know?"

"Know what?" Tonks said softly.

Remus shook his head, "I thought Sirius told you a long time ago that I'm a werewolf."

Perhaps it was the loss of blood, or perchance it was the extreme amount of pain she was in, or maybe it was even the surprise of Remus' words, or, more likely a combination of all three, but Tonks immediately lost what little hold on consciousness she possessed and passed out. With another mild oath that would have made Sirius proud, Remus grabbed his wand, sent up a stream of red sparks, and began levitating Tonks back towards the direction Moody had gone.

888

The first thing Tonks felt when she came to was grogginess, a feeling she hated more than anything in the world. Cracking her eyes open, Tonks winced. She was in a dim room, but the pale light was more than enough to hurt as her eyes were assaulted unmercilessly. Trying to sit up, Tonks discovered, was not a good idea. Her hand reached down, and she felt a swath of cotton gauze around her midsection.

"Oi," Tonks muttered.

Not sure what to do, Tonks was about to open her mouth when she sensed that she wasn't alone. Turning her head, she saw a sleeping form propped in a chair next to her bed. Looking down, she winced again, this time not from physical pain, as she saw that it was Remus. He looked as bad as she felt, his robes torn and dirty. As her eyes roved towards his shoulder, the flood of memories came back to Tonks.

...Remus without a shirt... the scars multitude of scars on his chest... The words "I'm a werewolf."...

"Oi," Tonks muttered again.

She sighed, and then noticed that while Remus form had remained still, his eyes were opened, focused, and watching her. Tonks suddenly felt quite uncomfortable.

"Wotcher, Remus," Tonks offered halfheartedly.

Remus sat up and smiled, "You're awake."

"Only just," Tonks said. "I feel like... Well, I don't know what I feel like, except that its been shredded and stomped upon by some irate giants several times out of pure spite."

Remus laughed.

"How long have I been out?" Tonks asked.

Remus said, "Almost two days. Between Avery's curse and the Dementors, you took quite a beating."

"I bet mum and da aren't pleased," Tonks said with a grimace.

Remus chuckled. "Well, no, they weren't pleased when Dumbledore brought them here. But, they know you're not a little girl anymore, Dora."

"If only..."

She paused, and then said, "Now, do you want to tell me what happened?"

Remus sighed and said, "Avery and a couple of Dementors seemed to have done a number on you."

"Dementors?" Tonks pursed her lips together in disgust. "I hate Dementors."

"So I gathered," Remus said. "You seemed to react to them particularly badly."

Dora's mind flashed back to the images that had danced in her head as the Dementors had prayed upon her and had elicited her protestations that she wouldn't give in.

...a toddler seeing her father lying deathly still when he had fallen off the roof of their house...

...a seven-year old crying under a darkened shed as she listened to Remus confess his feelings for Lily...

...a teenager, consummed with guilt, walking behind her mother and father as they went up the hill to the cemetary in Godric's Hall on the day of James and Lily's funeral...

...a newly trained auror looking away from the cell where Sirius was crouched against a wall in Azkaban as she toured the facility with Moody and her other Auror trainees...

Dora shook off the memories, as she looked at Remus and said, "Like I said, I hate Dementors."

"How do you feel?" Remus asked. "A lot has happened."

"Mmmm, so it has, Wolvie," Tonk said.

Remus grimaced. "Ahh, yes, there is that." He paused and looked up at her. "I'd be lying if I said I hoped you wouldn't remember."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Tonks pressed.

Remus shrugged. "To be quite honest, I thought you already knew... and that you'd known for a long time."

"No, no one ever said anything," Tonks said.

Remus stood up. "Well, now you know."

"Yeah, now I know," Tonks said.

Remus nodded. "I'll just be going then."

Remus turned toward the door and was just about to leave when he heard the sharp crack of Tonks' voice. "Remus John Lupin, where in the bloody hell do you think you are going?"

Remus hesitated, and slowly turned around. He had been afraid of this since the minute he realized Tonks hadn't known about his lycanthropy. He didn't think he could handle it if he saw pity in her eyes now that she knew... Or worse yet, fear.

"Tonks?"

"Look at me, Remus."

Slowly, Remus lifted his head and met Tonks' even gaze. "Yes?"

"Where do you think you are going?"

"I just thought..."

Tonks sighed, "You just thought because I found out that once a month... Something, well, something happens to you that it would change how I feel about you?"

Remus opened his eyes wide in surprise. "Well, err... to be quite honest, yes."

Tonks was quiet for a moment, and then sighed. Remus could tell she was hurt. "Why would you ever think that?"

"Well, because usually that's how everyone who's ever found out's reacted," Remus said.

"Everyone?" Tonks said. "I'm suddenly everyone else now?"

"No, of course not..."

"Does anyone else know?" Tonks pressed. "The Order? Sirius? Dumbledore?"

Remus nodded slowly. "Yes. Just about everyone has known since I was a boy at Hogwarts, Dora. To be quite honest, the reason Sirius and James and Peter and Lily were such close friends was because they were the first friends I ever had who still wanted to be my friend after they found out."

Remus thought he was imagining things when he heard Tonks draw a sharp intake of breath at the word 'Lily'. Shrugging it off, he clasped his hands behind his back and waited for Tonks to say something. When she finally did, she looked up at him and said, "I can't believe you'd think it wouldn't matter to me, Remus. You're one of my best friends. For Merlin's sakes, I've known you for as long as I could remember. Do you really think that could ever change?"

Remus lowered his eyes, his cheeks flaming from embarrassment. Slowly, he shook his head. "I'm sorry."

"I don't care who or what you are, Remus. I never have. Whether you're an ordinary wizard, a vampire, or even a werewolf, I. DON'T. CARE. I care about you too much. I thought you knew that," Tonks said quietly.

"I just..."

"Just because other people have used your lycanthropy against you Remus doesn't mean I ever will," Tonks said. She wanted to add, '...because I'm in love with you no matter who or what you are.' but didn't.

Remus took a step forward and grasped her hand. "Do you promise?"

Tonks nodded slowly, "I promise, Remus."

Smiling softly, Remus bent forward and gave her a kiss of the cheek.

"You're amazing, Dora. You're a very special person, you know that?" Remus said.

Tonks smiled. "So I've been told."

88888

Dora turned her head away from the flames, awash with guilt and anger at herself. She hadn't kept her promise to Remus. The one thing he had ever trusted her with, in a moment of weakness and anger, she had used it against him.

Standing up, Dora looked at Sirius who was dozing in his chair.

"Oi, Sirius," Tonks said.

"Mmmmm?" Sirius murmured.

"Time to go to bed," Tonks said. "It's been a long day."

"It's still early," Sirius said as he cracked open his eyes. "Besides, Moony..."

Tonks narrowed her eyebrows at Sirius.

"Sorry, sorry... besides Remus is supposed to be home from his mission a bit later. Since I haven't seen him in a few days, I fancied having a chat with him," Sirius said.

Tonks folded her arms. "I hope it doesn't have to do with anything that I've told you today, Sirius."

"No! No! 'Course not," Sirius said a bit too quickly.

"Because I hate to think what I'd have to do to you if you ever said a word about our conversation today to ANYONE," Tonks said as she narrowed her eyes.

"Anyone?" Sirius asked.

Tonks nodded.

"Oh, come on," Sirius said. "That's not fair."

"I mean it, Sirius," Tonks said firmly. "Besides, Remus is going to be tired when he gets back. All he'll want to do is sleep with the full moon being tomorrow night."

Sirius quirked an eyebrow as he said, "Wait a second, Tonks."

"What?"

"Wasn't the full moon last night?" Sirius asked.

Tonks shook her head. "No, 'course not. Remus would never have gone a mission so close to the full moon. He's always said 'too much can go wrong.'"

"But, I thought..."

At that, the door to the kitchen opened.

Sirius smiled, and said, "Speak of the devil, and the devil arrives. Right on time, Moony."

But as their new guest stepped into the flickering fire light, both Tonks and Sirius saw it wasn't Remus. Indeed, as soon as Tonks saw it was Albus Dumbledore, she felt a knot tighten in her stomach.

Fear flooding her being, Tonks stood forward and looked up at Dumbledore as she asked quietly, "What's happened?"

* * *


	9. Ch 7: A Wand of Ash

IF WISHES WERE GOOD-BYES  
By: Lesera128  
Rated: PG-13

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Everything Harry Potter belongs to the goddess J.K. Rowling. All hail the queen!

A/N: Enjoy!

* * *

Chapter 7: A Wand of Ash

* * *

She lay on the floor, clutching her sides. How long she had been in the position, Tonks didn't know. The only thing that Tonks did know was the coldness and the colorlessness of her dark and lonely world.

Gray light filtered threw the grimy windows of her bedroom... or, at least the bedroom to which she had fled after Dumbledore had mentioned those empty and hollow words.

"I'm sorry, Sirius... Nymphadora. It's Remus. I'm truly sorry."

Feeling as if she had lost the ability to breath, shock had set in during which time Tonks steadfastly clung to a world where Remus still existed and everything was all right. While in the wide state of denial which Tonks had blissfully clung to, Remus was simply late returning from his mission. He would be home shortly, Tonks thought, and then they would have a chance to talk, and she would put things right between them.

He's just late, Tonks told herself even as she spoke. "What do you mean, it's Remus?" Tonks said. Sirius was eerily quiet beside her. "What are you talking about?" Tonks demanded.

For the first time in her life, Tonks saw something other than amusement in Dumbledore's blue eyes. Indeed, for the first time in her life, Tonks saw that Dumbledore's eyes weren't twinkling. After the fact, Sirius told her that the only other time that he had seen Dumbledore's eyes so obviously clouded with pain and loss was the night that James and Lily had been killed.

And, now, Dumbledore was telling them that Remus was gone...

"He's been lost," Dumbledore said heavily.

Shock began to wear off as disbelief set in its place. "What do you mean Remus has been lost? He knows his way home better than anyone else. Why would he be lost?" Tonks rapidly looked to Sirius and then Dumbledore and then back to Sirius. "Right, Sirius? Remus knows his way home. There has obviously been some kind of mistake."

She glanced at Dumbledore. "Professor?"

Dumbledore was so quiet that Tonks had to strain to hear him. "I'm afraid there has been no mistake, Miss Tonks."

Tonks looked wild eyed from Dumbledore and then to Sirius. She nodded at her cousin. "Sirius, come on. This is all some kind of mistake."

Sirius reached out a hand and gently placed it on her shoulder. "Do you honestly think that Professor Dumbledore would be here if he weren't absolutely sure, Dora?"

Dora pulled herself free of Sirius' gentle grasp. She quickly spun around to face Dumbledore. He has had seated himself at the kitchen table and looked just the least bit more tired than normal.

"It's a mistake, right, Professor Dumbledore? Remus... well, it's just got to be a mistake."

"I wish it were, Miss Tonks," Dumbledore said quietly as he reached into his cloak and withdrew a lumpy package wrapped in a piece of burgundy cloth. Dumbledore gingerly laid the bundle on the table, and with carefully measured movements, he gently unwrapped the package to reveal a small group of objects. As he lightly placed the edges of the cloth on the table, and withdrew his hand so that all could see that which he proffered, Tonks felt her heart stop beating.

It was ironic that one Black cousin, the one who had known Remus Lupin for so long, didn't recognize the bits of wood on sight while the other, the other who had known and loved Lupin from the hour of her entrance to this earth, recognized them immediately. Tonks tried to find her voice as she stumbled backwards from the table where the splinters of what had once been a wand lay on the scrubbed and scoured rough surface of the kitchen table. Meanwhile, Sirius moved forward and carefully picked up one of the splinters.

"What is this?" Sirius asked. Turning the wood over in his hand, he winced as he said softly, "It's covered in dry blood."

"I know," Dumbledore sighed. "It was all that could be... retrieved."

Sirius looked up at Dumbledore, afraid to ask the obvious, but left with no alternative, he said quietly, "What is this?"

It was at this point that Tonks choked back a breath as she said in a high pitched voice, "It's Remus' wand."

Dumbledore nodded. "Or, what's left of it at the very least."

"Ash, 11 ¼ inches, core is... its core was heart of dragonstring," Sirius breathed. "He's had that wand since the day he turned eleven years old. There is no way he would have left it behind unless he were..."

"Gone," Tonks said softly. She paused, tears filling her eyes as she looked up at Dumbledore. "He's really gone?"

Dumbledore remained silent in answer to her question and simply bowed his head in reply.

She would later wonder what the source of the loud scream was before she realized it was from herself. Tonks felt her knees go weak. Dumbledore saw her start to fall, and merely said, "Sirius."

Sirius turned, and as he was closer to Tonks, he dropped the wand's splinters back onto the table with one hand and reached out for her with the other. "Dora."

Tonks' head suddenly felt so heavy. She couldn't feel anything -- she was feeling too much. She cried out as Sirius held her more tightly. However, it didn't matter how tightly Sirius clutched his cousin. It took only a moment before he unexpectedly found Dora beginning to pound on his chest.

"NO," she whispered. "This can't be happening."

"Dora..." Sirius whispered.

"NO!"

Pushing him away, Tonks gave one final shove and backed away from Sirius. He stumbled, but caught himself. Tonks shook her head as she said threw a wall of tears. "I... this, I can't deal with this right now."

"Dora, wait..." Sirius called out.

But, it was too late as she was already gone.

* * *


	10. Ch 8: A World of Grays

IF WISHES WERE GOOD-BYES  
By: Lesera128  
Rated: PG-13

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Everything Harry Potter belongs to the goddess J.K. Rowling. All hail the queen!

A/N: Enjoy!

* * *

Chapter 8: A World of Grays

* * *

When Dora was a little girl, her mother Andromeda would often read her fairy tales. Some of them had originated from the wizarding world while some came from the muggle world and some... well, some had come from somewhere in-between. It was one of these later types that had often been Dora's favorite when she was a child.

"Tell the good-bye story again," Dora would plead whenever it was Andi's night to put her to bed.

"Again?" Andromeda would sigh.

Dora would nod happily. "Again."

Going to Dora's little gold-colored bookshelf, Andromeda pulled out a well-worn and well-loved dark blue book. Where it had come from no one quite remembered... it had one of Andromeda's books as a child, and one of the few things she had taken with her when she left the Blacks in order to marry Ted Tonks. Going to the rocking chair which stood next to Dora's closet, Andromeda sat down. Gesturing for her small daughter to come to her, Andromeda settled herself in the chair as Dora crawled up into her chest.

When her small daughter was nestled in the crook of her arm with her head leaning on Andi's chest just at the spot where Dora could hear her mother's heart beat, Andi opened the book to a very familiar page, and she began to read.

"Once upon a time there was a little girl with great big blue eyes..."

The exact wording had faded from Tonks' memory over the years, but she remembered the general gist of the story.

There was a rich lord who was married to a beautiful woman. They loved each other very much, almost as much as they loved there only child, a daughter with large, deep blue eyes.

While the child had a good heart, she had been spoiled by her parents. On the day of her seventh birthday, she was sitting in her room staring out her window dreaming of that which would one day be. The girl had the gift of prophecy, but it had been foretold at her birth that her gift would dry up, like water which evaporates on a hot afternoon, on the day that the girl found her true love. No one quite understood why, but the little girl did.

'One day I will meet my true love, and he will have the whole of my heart. On the day that happens, I will no longer have the gift of seeing the future because the part of my heart that is due in sacrifice of my talent will no longer be free... and I will no longer be free from the moment my true love becomes a part of my life,' the little girl thought.

Wise beyond her years, the little girl realized that the moment her true love became a part of her life on a regular basis, her gift for prophecy would leave her.

And, so on the day of her seventh birthday, her parents decided that their daughter should be betrothed to the son of a neighbor. The little girl's parents figured that as long as they married their daughter to a stranger, she would never fall in love with her true love. Thus, they reasoned, her miraculous gift for prophecy would be safe.

What the little girl's parents didn't realize was that the son of their neighbor had been destined to win the little girl's heart long before she had ever been conceived.

Theirs was a fate written in the stars.

But, due to her gift of foresight, the little girl knew who was to be her one true love... and though she wanted nothing more in life than to give her whole heart to the little boy, she knew she could not.

And, so, each time she saw him, the little girl with blue eyes would say, 'Excuse me, my lord. Farewell, but I must bid you good-bye this fine afternoon. Safe journeys.' And, each time she said good-bye to the little boy, the little girl would make a wish... she made a wish that each time she wished him good-bye that she would have another chance to do so for then at least she would see him again and be able to love him from a far.

The end of the story was unimportant. What Tonks had adored about the tale was the idea that a woman could love a man enough to voluntarily leave him while at the same time wishing she never had to let him go.

The concept of loving someone so much was such a foreign novelty to Tonks, she never believed that feeling so deep a love could happen to her... until the day Remus kissed her by the lake on the afternoon of her graduation.

From that point on, even if Tonks hadn't consciously realized it, deep within her heart, Tonks knew that she would only have one chance for a love like the little girl with blue eyes in the story had felt -- and her one chance had been with Remus Lupin.

Except now, after so many years had passed, Tonks knew that she had lost her chance. Remus was gone, and without him, Tonks felt that her entire heart had disappeared. Of course, something still existed in the empty part of her chest that helped to pump blood through her body. But, whatever it was, it surely wasn't Tonks' heart.

She remained curled in a fetal position for so long that she didn't know how much time had passed. Tonks had fled to the one place she could think of where no one would think to look for her. No one but Remus even knew she knew about the little cottage's existence, and as he was gone, she knew no one would come looking for her.

Staring up at the ceiling, Tonks lay on a pile of cushions and blankets in front of the fireplace. The fire was charmed to burn hot, but even at so close a position, Tonks couldn't feel the heat. All she felt was an all-consuming emptiness. All she felt was overwhelming sadness. All she felt was disturbingly numb.

Remus couldn't be dead. He just couldn't.

But he was. The mission... something had to have happened.

Seeing the bloodied fragments of Remus' broken wand lying on the table in the kitchen of Grimmauld Place was almost like seeing Remus' broken and battered body there for all to see.

Remus Lupin was dead, and Tonks didn't know what to do.

"You can't be dead," Tonks whispered. "I never even got a chance to tell you good-bye."

Their last words had been spoken in anger, and now Tonks felt such a deep guilt that it burned in the pit of her stomach. "If only I could have told you good-bye, I would have gotten the chance to wish to see you again," Tonks mumbled to herself.

"You just can't be gone," Tonks murmured to herself as she felt the tears begin anew.

Clutching a dirty and somewhat bedraggled rag doll to her chest, Tonks cried into Marie. The faint smell of mint and earth filled her nostrils. The familiar scents were too much for her. They only served to remind her of her loss. Tonks sobbed for a few more minutes, and she was then silent as she eventually let the gray oblivion of her new world without Remus claim her.

* * *


	11. Ch 9: Like Lily

IF WISHES WERE GOOD-BYES  
By: Lesera128  
Rated: PG-13

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Everything Harry Potter belongs to the goddess J.K. Rowling. All hail the queen!

A/N: Enjoy!

* * *

Chapter 9: Like Lily

* * *

From a perfectly scientific point of view, it was a very fascinating sensation that Tonks was feeling. She was acutely aware of every tiny tingle, each little twitch, and everything in between that her body was feeling. 

In some ways, Tonks was disappointed in herself. The one thing that she wanted more than anything else in the world, aside from perhaps forgetting what had happened in the past few days, had been to stop feeling. Even in this, her body had failed her. Indeed, Tonks' ability to feel, and the subsequent thoughts which developed as a result of processing that newly acquired sensory information, had slowly returned to her whether she wanted it to or not.

The first thing that she decided when she was cognizant in her own mind once more was that she was definitively done crying. She had shed more tears in the past few hours than in the entirety of her whole life, and simply put, she didn't have any more tears left to cry.

Thinking had been painful at first, but in dealing with the trauma which had assaulted her senses in the past few hours, the defensive mechanism which Dora had utilized in overwhelmingly emotional situations had finally kicked in… the persona of Tonks was once more in charge, and the first thing that Tonks decided to do was to try and stop feeling sorry for herself. There were things to be done, and there were decisions to be made. In order to satisfy her own best interests, Tonks decided that the one thing that Tonks' wouldn't allow Dora to do anymore was to hide. In this definitive choice, Tonks offered up a silent prayer once more to whatever deity was listening for her inordinate amount of inner strength as Dora realized that the pink-haired personage of the bubbly auror, at times, wasn't merely just a safety mechanism for her... sometimes she was a lifeline.

And, so it was that Tonks forced her brain to work. At first, like trying to get used to an old habit that had once been amongst her favorite pastimes in the world, Dora was quite surprised when thinking again hurt so much. However, Tonks tried to alleviate this additional pain by concentrating on the small things which were immediate and most pressing... like figuring out when she was going to get something to eat, and more importantly, when she was going to sleep. Tonks would save the more grandiose decisions for later… as, if there was one thing that she now had a plethora of, it was time.

In the meanwhile, Tonks noted that she was almost dead from exhaustion. The near catatonic state, induced from the shock of Dumbeldore's words, had not really been conducive to sleeping….

Dumbledore's words. A knot which was clenched so tightly in the pit of Tonks' stomach contracted even more as Dumbledore's words... and what they meant, drifted back to her.

"I'm sorry, Sirius... Nymphadora. It's Remus. I'm truly sorry."

"He's been lost."

"It was all that could be... retrieved."

"I am truly sorry, Nymphadora..."

Tonks sighed as she felt her lower lip tremble.

She didn't want to think about that. She couldn't, and more importantly, she wouldn't. She was Nymphadora Black Tonks. She wouldn't do anything she didn't want to, and if that meant she didn't want to think about HIM, she just wouldn't.

Tonks had to stifle a yawn. She was tired, so tired. But, more than that, Tonks was at the point where she had reached her limits. She was numb. She was feeling nothing; she was feeling everything.

Aside from the astounding levels of fatigue from which she was suffering, a small part of Tonks' brain noted, in a rather detached and scientific way, just how hard the floor upon which she had lain for hours felt. In general, the wood floors were cold, but the parquet that lay next to Tonks' cheek was clammy due to the little warmth that her battered body had transferred to the wood.

The fire had died down to pale embers. For some reason, the spell that had supposed to keep the fire charmed to burn brightly, and more importantly warmly, throughout the night had apparently given out in the duration of the hours immediately after Tonks' arrival.

Instantly, Tonks realized that she didn't know just exactly how much time had passed…. Tonks couldn't tell if it were night or day as little light shown through the cottage windows even on a sunny day. And, in truth, Tonks really didn't care at the moment as all she wanted to do was sleep despite the initial itchings of curiousity that pricked at the back of her mind.

At last, the need for rest outweighed her inane fear of the pain she was sure to feel when she directed her stiff muscles to move. Her minute curiosity was shoved back into the recesses of her mind. Her decision made, Tonks moved.

Somehow, although much later Tonks wouldn't remember how she had accomplished the feat, Tonks pulled herself upwards and moved towards the well-worn brown leather couch. Tossing herself onto it, she curled into a little ball, and drifted off into a hazy world of sleep filled imagery.

For a while, the moratorium which Tonks' conscious mind had imposed upon thoughts concerning Remus Lupin kept her from thinking about the terrible news which Dumbledore had brought to her and Sirius at Grimmauld Place… but, her subconscious… ahh, Tonks' subconscious was an entirely different matter. Indeed, her subconscious seemed unwilling and unable to comply.

And, unfortunately for Tonks, the images that invaded her dreams were just those which she wished to avoid... images of memories of an exchange that had set the whole sad, sorry chain of events in motion several days before...

---

Upon her arrival and induction to the Order of the Phoenix, Tonks had taken up residence in a room on the third floor of Grimmauld Place, It was the same bedroom, at least according to that which her mother had once told her that when Andromeda had been a little girl, had often been the room she stayed in when she had been a guest of her Aunt and Uncle Black. The room was nondescript, with a few pieces of well-made mahogany furniture. The large four-poster bed, which dominated the center of the room, had most definitively seen better days, but it comforted Tonks to know that at one point her mother had stayed in the room. The remnants of Andromeda's brief visits to Grimmauld Place seemed to detract from the inherent sadness, evil, and all encompassing loneliness which permeated the very being of the house.

The only piece of furniture that Tonks had added (much to Sirius' chagrin as he had been the one who had helped her to levitate the piece of furniture up three flights of stairs) was a small and nondescript cherry wood rolltop desk. Tonks enjoyed working at the desk when she had paperwork she needed to do for the Ministry. She greatly preferred to taking her work home with her than working in her small cubicle at the Ministry on the less interesting aspects of her Auror duties.

Truth to be told, another reason Tonks so enjoyed doing her paperwork at Headquarters related to the fact that Sirius and Remus were usually in residence during her stays at the house.

It had all started because Sirius had somewhat not unsurprisingly developed a nasty habit for determining the exact moment when Tonks had finally resigned herself to the paperwork. In addition, Sirius often chose that very minute to barge into Tonks' room and took it upon himself to distract her from such 'pressing Ministry business' for as long as possible.

Dependent on her mood, Tonks would often let him amuse her by charming the parchments which she had been working on to include certain choice insults and whimsical sayings of nonsense, additions which most assuredly didn't belong in the reports that Tonks was supposed to be sending to Kingsley about the progression of her current investigation into the accusation that Lucius Malfoy was, in fact, a Deatheater of his own volition.

The thing that Tonks loved best about these times which she shared with Sirius would be when they had grown tired of belittling the reports' parchment, and the behavior which immediately ensued as Sirius instantly reverted back to being the fantastically entertaining and fun teenager of Dora's youth.

At such times, Tonks knew she was in trouble, because Sirius would usually say, "Oh, Dora..." and then precede to tackle her in an attempt to tickle her behind the knee just as he had when she had been a little girl. When things got too loud, Remus would often stroll over from his bedroom next store to see what was causing the commotion despite the fact that he already knew because Dora only squealed that particular laugh of delight during Sirius' sessions of juvenile torment. Dependent upon what state of laughing/gasping for breath Tonks was currently suffering from (and what color her face was, i.e., pale pink, bubble gum pink to match her hair, or all and all out red) he would either join in tormenting Tonks or chuck some heavy object at Sirius' head to divert his attention away from Dora and to Remus himself.

It was with such hopes that Tonks was spending the Saturday morning before Easter writing out another report for Kingsley. Paperwork was mundane, but it was a distraction... and one day of the year she always needed distracting on was the Saturday before Easter.

Tonks had left her door partially open, and had her wand quite near her inkwell. She had a few surprises in store for Sirius when and if he chose to attack her again. Grinning to herself, Tonks had been at work for a few moments when she heard her door squeak as it opened. She immediately reached for her wand.

Slowly turning around in her chair, Tonks said with a half-grin, "Sirius, I'm warning you this time, if you..."

However, Sirius was not the one standing in her doorway. Indeed, Tonks was surprised to see that Lupin was standing, somewhat hesitantly, in the doorframe. He raised his hands in supplication as he said, "I promise I won't so much as bat an eyelash towards your left knee."

Lowering her wand, Tonks grinned and said, "I thought you weren't scared of my wand skills."

Remus shrugged. "That's before I saw what you did to Avery when he tried to escape Auror custody."

Tonks grinned again. "What can I say? Under the right circumstances, I can hold a grudge."

Gesturing towards the room in general, Tonks said, "Would you like to come in?"

Nodding, Remus took a step towards her and said, "Just for a moment. I was getting ready to head over to your parents', and I thought you might want to take the floo to the Hogshead and then walk the rest of the way. It's quite a lovely day out."

Biting her lip, Tonks said, "Oh, you're heading over to see mum and da? What for?"

Remus narrowed his eyes as he said, "The same reason I go over every year on Easter Saturday?"

Tonks was silent for a moment. She had never been good at playing stupid. She had too much honesty in her heart for her own good to be particularly good at concealing or disguising anything whatsoever, her metamorphmagus abilities aside.

For his part, Remus merely frowned in her general direction as a means of answering her question.

Nodding, Tonks took a breath and then said with a slight frown, "Oh, right."

"Something wrong, Tonks?" Remus said. "Every time I've brought this up the past couple of weeks, you've always changed the subject as quickly as possible."

Tonks turned from Remus, and slowly shook her head and quickly spit out an excuse which she had been saving for just so an occurrence. "No, I had just forgotten what day it was. It seems as if the week has gone by a lot more quickly than I thought it would." She paused, and smiled at Remus as she added, "But, of course, when Kingsley has you working two sets of double shifts per week in addition to Order business, it can deprive one of sleep and make one who is already a bit out there act even more wonky."

"Wonky, hmm?" Remus said with a smile.

Tonks grinned.

Remus returned Tonks' smile. He gestured at the door. "So, are you ready to go?"

Narrowing her eyes in confusion, Tonks asked, "Go where?"

"Hogsmeade?" Remus asked innocently.

Tonks immediately bit her lip as she absentmindedly shuffled some bits of parchment on the desk. "Oh, yeah, right." Looking up at Remus, Tonks slowly shook her head as she said, "You know what, Remus? I think I am going to finish up this stack of reports for Kingsley first. Why don't you head over now, and I'll catch up later?"

Remus laughed. "Tonks, I may have bought that one for each of the past two years, but I am not falling for it a third time."

"What?" Tonks asked with indignation.

Remus smiled again as he crossed his arms and casually leaned back against her door frame. "Every time you say that you'll eventually catch up to me, in addition to never showing up, you usually go off into hiding, and I don't see you for at least three or four days, especially around Easter. So, you'll forgive me if I don't take the proverbial bait once again?"

Tonks was still chewing her bottom lip, somewhat disheartened as she said, "I was hoping that it might be worth at least one more go before I had to come up with a new excuse." She paused and looked up at him with a mischievous grin. "You've been so good-naturedly gullible about it all in the past that I had hoped..."

"Well, it never really bothered me before now, but lately it seems as if you have been avoiding going to Ted and Andi's anytime I am there, and I was just wondering why," Remus said.

Tonks simply looked at him and shrugged. Picking up a quill, Tonks dipped it into the inkwell. She sighed as she began to absentmindedly doodle on a spare bit of parchment. She remained silent, hoping that Remus might take the hint offered by her sudden silence, and leave her alone. She continued to scratch furiously across the parchment, half-huddling over the scroll to hide the stick drawings she was making. As she continued to work, Tonks simply ignored Remus and continued to hope that he would just go away.

However, with his naturally patient demeanor, Remus remained still in her doorway, leaning against the frame with his arms still casually folded as he waited for an answer. As several moments silently passed between the two without any word or deed occurring, Remus at last sighed and unfolded his arms. He then reached into his pocket and pulled out his wand. Pointing his wand in Tonks' general direction, Remus gave a slight swish and flick movement. With her back turned from him, Tonks remained unaware of what Remus was doing until her quill flew out of her hand and soared to the other side of the roam, trailing splotchy drops of ink in its wake. Tonks muttered a curse, and Remus chuckled as he faced a rather annoyed Tonks.

"Why did you do that?" Tonks fumed.

Remus grinned. "Since you were ignoring me, I obviously needed to get your attention, didn't I?"

Tonks indignantly looked up at Remus as she gestured towards the stack of parchments on her desk. "Remus, I already told you that I have a lot of work to do for Kingsley, and I..."

Tonks' words were cut off in mid sentence as Remus deftly twisted past Tonks' protective stance. Whether by skill or pure luck, he deftly grabbed the parchment upon which Tonks had been doodling. Tonks immediately went red as Remus nodded and said, "Yes, I can see how these wonderful artist renditions would help the Auror Division catch dangerous people like Lucius Malfoy and your Aunt Bella. Of course, this one rather looks like… well, my goodness, Tonks, if I didn't know better, I would say it's me who you have walking off this very tall cliff..."

Tonks stood up and grabbed the parchment from Remus. She was even redder, from her earlobes to the bright red tips of her hair.

Remus stopped and looked at her, gesturing with a grin as he said, "You know, Tonks, I don't think I've never seen you as a redhead. You should wear your hair like that more often; you look quite fetching with red hair."

"Of course you would say that," Tonks muttered under her breath.

The mirth that had pervaded Remus' personality immediately stopped as he said, "What did you say?"

Shaking her head, Tonks said, "Nothing, nothing. Just, please, Remus, leave me be, okay? All I want..."

"You'll forgive me for being insensitive, but at the moment, I think my earlier question takes precedence. Now, what did you just say?"

The subtle change in the tone of Remus' voice infuriated Tonks even more as she said, "Don't you dare even think about doing that, Remus."

"Pardon?"

"You heard me," Tonks said, her anger beginning to build. "Don't you dare think that you can start condescending to me using that bloody 'Professor Lupin' tone that I am sure you save for all your fan girls when you aren't getting what you want from them."

"What I want?" Remus asked incredibly. "All I wanted was to take a walk with you to your Mum and Dad's house to meet them for dinner on Easter Saturday."

"And I already told you that I am too busy to go," Tonks fired back. "Now, for the love of Merlin, will you please leave me alone?"

"No," Remus said firmly. "Not until you explain what is so patently bothering you."

Standing up, Tonks shoved the chair away as she said, "The only thing that is bothering me, Professor Lupin, is that I have an annoying git standing in my bedroom who is keeping me from doing my work..."

"I am not leaving until you tell me why you are so upset," Remus said as he crossed his arms again, this time in a more defiant stance.

"Fine, then I'll go," Tonks said as she started to walk towards the door.

Remus' hand immediately shot out as he grabbed her forearm to stop her. "You aren't going anywhere until we sort out whatever is bothering you, Dora."

Although she furiously yanked her arm free of Remus's grasp, Tonks yelled, "You do NOT tell me what to do, Remus. Nobody does. Not my mother, not my father, and certainly not you."

"Dora," Remus began.

She immediately cut him off as she yelled, "And don't call me Dora!"

Remus eyed her with a certain confusion in his eyes as he said, "What is your problem?"

"Do you really want to know what my problem is, Remus?"

"Of course I do."

"All right, fine. I'll tell you what my problem is. My problem is..."

Tonks said as she squared her shoulder in defiance and placed her hands on her hips, unsure she should continue. However, as her eyes darted around the room, she noticed her reflection in the mirror. Without realizing it, she noticed her hair had remained red, and much to her chagrin, had merely deepened to a new shade of auburn the angrier she got. In her anger, Tonks immediately snapped as she said unexpectedly, "My problem is you, Remus. You and a stupid redhead who still manages to make my life miserable even though she's been dead for fifteen years!"

Shock flooded Remus' face as his mind rapidly tried to put what Tonks was saying together. "Me? And... Lily? What does Lily have to do with anything?"

"Don't you dare patronize me, Remus. I may not be the brightest bulb in the bunch, but I'm not stupid either," Tonks shouted.

"I still don't understand," Remus said. "What does Lily have to with your or me or with anything for that matter?"

"I know about Lily, okay?" Tonks said. She felt tears beginning to prick at the corner of her eyes. She fought with everything she had to keep from letting Remus see her shed a single tear over anything having to do with him and Lily once again.

"What do you know about Lily?" Remus asked carefully.

Tonks waved her hand in the air as she dismissively said, "I know everything, okay? You and Lily, I know okay? Let's just leave it at that."

"Me and Lily?" Remus asked stunned. "What do you mean me and Lily?"

"Remus, please... I have very little self-respect left. Please don't take it away by playing dumb. I've known about you and Lily since I was seven."

"Seven?" Remus asked. "But, Dora..."

"I told you," Tonks shouted, "DON'T CALL ME DORA!"

Taking a large gasp of breath, Tonks spun on her heels as she cried, "I haven't been your Dora since the Easter Saturday when I was seven years old, and I heard you telling Lily Evans that she was the only woman that you'd ever love, okay? I know all about it, Remus, so do us both a favor, and don't deny it."

Remus was quiet for a moment before he softly said, "I don't deny it." He paused before he added, "But what I don't understand is what that has to do with you or me or with us right now, Tonks."

Tonks stared in disbelief at Remus. "Us, Remus? Us? There is no such thing as us."

Remus realized he had misspoken and held his hands up in apology. "You're right, I'm sorry. It's just that..."

It was Remus' turn to be interrupted as Tonks said in a softer voice, "Why would you said that, Remus?"

Remus was silent for a moment before he said, "I'm not sure."

"Yes you are," Tonks said. "You never do or say anything that you haven't thought about doing for months. You just aren't that spontaneous."

"I just made a mistake, Tonks. That's all. It was merely a slip of the tongue," Remus said.

"You don't make mistakes," Tonks pressed. "Now, tell me what you meant by that."

Remus shrugged as he said, "I've known you since you were a baby, Tonks."

"I'm well aware of that," Tonks said.

"Well, I can't help it if, at times, I have proprietary feelings toward you," Remus said shakily.

"Proprietary?"

Remus bowed his head and remained silent. His silence only seemed to infuriate Tonks more.

"What in the bloody hell does that mean, Remus? You have 'proprietary' feelings towards me?" Tonks said.

"You know I care about you, Tonks," Remus said.

Tonks' eyes went wide as she stared at him. "You care about me?"

"Of course. I always have, and I always will."

Tonks was silent for a moment. The silence was broken when a sniffle pierced the air. The battle she had been fighting with herself was lost as several tear slid down her cheeks. Tonks cursed as she looked up at Remus.

"Don't do this, Remus."

"Do what?'

"Please don't lie to me. You've never lied to me before, and I don't think I'll be able to stand it if you start now."

"Lie? Lie about what?"

"I already told you," Tonks said as she wiped the tears away. "I know about you and Lily."

"Just what do you think you know about me and Lily, Nymphadora?" Remus said at last, the desperate exasperation he was feeling creeping into his voice at last.

"Why do we have to repeat it when we both already know?"

"Tell me," Remus demanded.

"I know you loved, Lily, Remus. I know that you still do, okay?" Tonks said as she raised her voice.

"Is that what this is all about?" Remus said, as comprehension suddenly dawned. "You think I'm still in love with Lily?"

"I heard you say it yourself, Remus," Tonks cried.

"I most certainly did not..."

"I heard you," Tonks shouted. "I know. Fool that I am, I've known since I was seven years old, and I still fell in love with you, stupid prat that I am."

"You love me?" Remus said aloud in disbelief.

Tonks was silent for a moment before she said, "I've loved you since I was a little girl. I'll probably always love you. But, I can't compete with a ghost, Remus. I know I'm not like Lily. I know I'm not pretty and that I don't have red hair or green eyes or perfect skin. I know I'm not funny like she was, or as good at Charms or Potions. I know I don't have as many friends or as good a sense of humor as she did. But, most importantly, I know that you can never care for me the way that you love her. I know I'll never be Lily, and I'm dealing with that as best I can. But, the one thing that I can't deal with is you not telling me the truth."

Taking a step closer, Remus reached out, "Dora..."

Her lips clinched, Tonks reached for her wand and pointed it at Remus as the tears continued to fall. "Remus, I told you, don't call me that. If you do it again, I'm going to hex you into next week."

Remus took another step towards her and said even more softly. "Dora..."

"Remus, I'm warning you..."

Remus remained where he stood, but reached out a hand to Tonks. "Dora, I think..."

Tonks immediately grabbed her hands from him. "You know what, Remus? All you ever do is think. You never act! Why can't you, for once, stop being scared and actually DO something?"

"This isn't about me, Tonks," Remus said softly.

"Oh, yes it is. If it weren't for you, my life wouldn't be the mess it has been since I was seven years old!"

Tonks spun on her heels and stumbled a few feet away from him as she cried, "Why couldn't you have just left me alone, Remus? Why did you have to be my friend and make me fall in love with you if you knew that Lily was the only woman that you would ever love?"

"Dora..."

And, in the next few seconds, a blur passed as Tonks waved her wand towards Remus, and Remus finally took Tonks' advice. Tackling her to the ground, Remus just missed being shot by a blast of red light. Tonks screamed as the pair crashed to the wooden floor. Remus knocked the wand for her hand as Tonks struggled to get free. After a few seconds, Tonks weakened under Remus' grip until she lay still beneath him and stared up into his eyes.

"Why can't you just leave me alone?" Tonks said softly. "Why?"

"Because I just can't, Dora. I just can't," Remus said softly. "I'm so sorry, Dora. So sorry... if I had known, I would have..."

"Would have done what?" Tonks said quietly. "What could you possibly do to fix this, Remus?"

Instead of verbally answering her, Remus moved his head gently down to hers, and they kissed. It was a soft kiss, a sweet kiss. Tonks was so stunned, she didn't realize what was happening until it was over. And, then, Remus pulled away, and Tonks somehow managed to get to her feet. Her heart was pounding so hard, Tonks was afraid that it would come out of her chest as she remained staring in stunned silence at Remus Lupin.

---

In her sleep, Tonks whimpered. So much had happened, but the worst was yet to come. She had been so close, so close to happiness. And, then, like the wind silencing the dancing flame of a candle, the chance for Tonks to ever be happy with Remus had been snuffed out as quickly as it had come alive. And, sadly, Tonks had nothing to blame for it but herself.

* * *


	12. Ch 10:Angry Words & Half Truths Revealed

IF WISHES WERE GOOD-BYES  
By: Lesera128  
Rated: PG-13

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Everything Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling. Enough said.

A/N: Some time ago, at my request angelalegna (she can be found at angelalegnaDOTlivejournalDOTcom) created a most excellent piece of artwork which accompanies this chapter and can be found at the following URL: lesera128DOTlivejournalDOTcomBACKSLASH44566DOThtml

* * *

10: Angry Words & Half-Truths Revealed

* * *

The sound of a burst of crackling flame pierced through the air. Tonks reluctantly lifted her weary head from the arm of the couch against which she had lain curled in a ball. Narrowing her eyes, Tonks turned her gaze to the trail of red tail feathers that drifted to the floor from where Fawkes the Phoenix was gently hovering a few feet above the couch.

Sighing, Tonks shook her head as she said, "I know why you're here, Fawkes, and you can turn right back around and tell Dumbledore that I'm fine, but that I just want to be left alone."

The bird flapped its wings softly and cocked its head at Tonks' words. It seemed to say to her, 'I hear you're words, but I don't believe a word of it. Have you taken a look at yourself in the mirror lately?'

Sitting up, Tonks shrugged. "Don't look at me like that, Fawkes. I know I don't look my best," Tonks looked down at her crumpled, tear-stained and dirt-smudged clothing and frowned. "All right, perhaps I do smell a bit rank, but as there is no one here but me and you, and as I'm the only one with olfactory nerves that will be staying past the next five minutes, you'll forgive me for my slovenly appearance, won't you?"

The phoenix flew down from where it had been hovering and gently landed on the arm of the worn leather couch upon which Tonks had closeted herself. The bird patiently starred at Tonks until the auror sighed once more.

"All right, all right. You win. I'll move. But, I can't promise much... Maybe a spot of tea?" She pulled herself up and nodded. "Yeah, that's it. Mum always was making me bloody tea in stressful situations like this. Tea would be good." She cocked her head as she looked around, narrowing her eyes in concentration as she mumbled more to herself than the phoenix, "Only thing is that I don't know exactly what Remus keeps around here..." The words trailed off as Tonks bit her lip. The phoenix cocked its head at her once more. Looking up, Tonks nodded almost as if she was reassuring herself more than anything else. "Right."

Moving forward, Tonks grabbed her wand from where it lay on the coffee table and pointed it towards the empty fireplace. Within seconds, a cheerful fire was roaring once more in the hearth space. Moving towards the kitchen, Tonks reached into a cabinet and pulled out a battered mug, a box of tea, and a bottle of honey. At another flick of her wand, hot water was steaming in the chipped mug within seconds. Tonks quickly prepared herself a cup of tea and squirted some honey into the mug. Grabbing a spoon from the sink, Tonks absentmindedly stirred the contents of the mug, took a spoonful of the tea, and brought it to her mouth. Blowing on it slightly to cool the hot liquid, Tonks brought it carefully to her mouth to test the result of her efforts. She immediately felt tears pin prick her eyes as she almost choked on the mouthful of tea.

"Mint," Tonks mumbled to herself. "Damn him."

Raising her hand to her eyes, Tonks hastily brushed away the tears. "Should've known better than to go digging in Remus' cupboard and expect to find anything other than mint tea, hmmm, Fawkes?"

The phoenix remained silent. Tonks nodded once more, quickly wiping away fresh tears as they pricked at the corner of her eyes. She then carefully grabbed the steaming mug and brought it back to the couch. Sitting down on the far side from where the phoenix sat perched, Tonks lifted her mug in the bird's general direction.

"Here's to mud in your eye, Fawkes," Tonks said as she brought the tea up in a toast of salute. She took a small sip. As soon as she breathed in the fragrant mists of the steaming mint tea, she felt her throat tighten once more. Cradling the cup, Tonks bit her lip once more as a small sniffle pierced the air. In a few more seconds, the slight sniffling had turned to all and all heaving sobs as Tonks' choked cries reverberated throughout the air.

While she didn't realize it, as she cried, the phoenix had gently walked towards her. When it was at last standing next to her seated position on the couch, the phoenix laid its soft head on Tonks' thigh and rubbed its cheek up and down in a rhythmic pattern. Somewhat comforted by the gentle gesture, Tonks brought up her free hand and gently stroked Fawkes' head.

"Oh, Fawkes, he's gone. And I don't know what I am going to do. The last words we ever had on this earth were bitterly shallow, hatefully immature, and totally and completely dishonest. And it's all my fault."

Looking into the fire, the last of Tonks' words to Remus, and the images that the words brought with them,rang in her mind.

'I could never, ever love a monster, Remus, and that's what you are... that's all you'll ever be to me or anybody else... a raving, psychotic, bloody horrible MONSTER!'

---

"What could you possibly do to fix this, Remus?"

The words were out of her mouth and Remus had reacted before Tonks' could really process everything that she had said and everything that he had done. The only thing that did register in Tonks' mind was that Remus was suddenly kissing her, and holding her, and if she didn't know better, groping her, and it felt... it felt wonderful. But almost as soon as the incredible wave of warmth and emotion had flown over her, it was gone, and Remus was on the other side of the room looking at her with the cold and empty space separating them once more.

Staring back at him in stunned silence, Tonks brought a hand absently to her still tingling lips. She was the first to break the heavy silence that lay between them as she looked at Remus and said, "Why did you do that, Remus?"

Remus widened his eyes for a moment... he seemed to be fighting to catch his breath before he answered, "Do what?"

"Why did you kiss me?"

"Kiss you?"

:"Yes, kiss me." Tonks seemed to pause, as if for emphasis, before she continued, "Why did you just kiss me, Remus?"

Remus was silent for a moment before he lamely offered, "Because I thought it might help?"

Tonks felt indignation at his words rise in her once again. "You thought it might help what, exactly, Remus?"

Remus, obviously flustered and at a loss regarding which was the least upsetting way in which he might proceed with Tonks, ran a hand through his hair before he again spoke. "You never seem to believe me when I tell you something, Tonks. I guess maybe you might be more apt to believe me if I... how did you put it again? If I 'stopped talking and started doing?'"

Tonks bit down on her lip as she took a step back from Remus. "Just because you kiss me, you expect me to believe, that out of the blue, you've suddenly had this mind-blowing epiphany where the skies opened up, the sun came out, and you suddenly realized that you love me?" She was silent for a moment before she shook her head slowly. "I'm sorry, Remus, I just don't know if I can believe you."

Remus took a step closer to Tonks and lowered his voice. "Tonks..."

"I don't think I can handle much more of this, Remus," Tonks said putting her hands up in annoyed frustration. "I think I may just lose it and turn into some stark raving mad lunatic if you are simply doing this for... well, for whatever reason."

"What possible reason could I being doing this for if it weren't the truth?" Remus asked simply.

Tonks sighed. "I don't know. Maybe Sirius put you up to it just to see if you two could make me go nutters..."

"You know I would never do anything that cruel, Tonks," Remus said softly.

Tonks nodded. "Okay, yeah, maybe not you, but my cousin has a perverse sense of humor."

"I would never do anything to intentionally hurt you, Dora," Remus said.

"But Sirius..."

Remus smiled, "Since when does Sirius ever get me to do anything I don't want to do?"

"But..."

Remus took a step closer to Tonks. "Dora."

He said her name so softly that Tonks felt the hairs on the back of her neck stand up in a combination of fear, anticipation, and desire all rolled up into one.

In her muddled daze of confusion, Tonks suddenly noticed that Remus had taken another step closer to her so that there was only a few inches of warm air pulsating between the two of them. Remus then, slowly, reached out and put Tonks' hand in his own. She lowered her gaze to focus on their hands, and as she did so, Tonks bit her lip even harder. She didn't pull away, but she was afraid if she moved even a fraction of an inch, she would break the spell that seemed to surround the pair.

At last, Remus spoke. "Dora?"

"Yes?" she breathed.

"Look at me, Dora," Remus said.

Slowly, and more than a tad bit reluctantly, Tonks raised her head to find herself staring into Remus' warm eyes.

Remus smiled. "Now, when have I ever lied to you?"

"I..."

"I've never lied to you, Dora, and I never will," Remus said.

Tonks couldn't help herself as the eight year-old in her almost screamed out and forced the adult to whisper, "What about Lily?"

Remus' smile immediately turned into a frown as he said evenly, "What about her?"

"You're in love with her," Tonks said quietly.

Remus sighed, but still he did not let Tonks' hand drop. "Lily was my first love, Tonks. There is a part of her that I'll always love, but..."

Tonks instantly shook her head, "I knew it..."

Remus immediately shook his head as Tonks tried to free her hand from his grip. "But, besides the fact that Lily is dead and gone, and has been for many, many years, she chose James over me."

"But you've always chosen Lily," Tonks said.

Confusion set in as Remus furrowed his brows. "What do you mean I've always chosen Lily?"

Tonks felt tears prick her eyes as she said in almost a whispered cry, "I mean that you've always chosen Lily, Remus. And because of that, it can only mean that you're telling me all the things you've told me today because you're trying to placate me for some insane reason."

Remus sighed again. "Listen, Dora, I know you have a lot of questions about Lily and me, and I'd be happy to answer them for you, but first thing's first. We can't get anywhere until I know that you truly believe me when I tell you that I have spoken nothing but the truth to you tonight or any other night for that matter. I've never lied to you."

Tonks gave her hand another jerk and finally pulled it free of Remus' grasp as she said tearfully, "How can you expect me to believe you when you've always done anything and everything you could to protect Lily?"

"This isn't about me trying to protect, Lily, Dora. She's dead. And as much as I miss her, there is no bringing her back..."

"Would you even if you could?" Tonks shot back. "Would you?"

Remus sighed. "I don't know how to answer that, Tonks. She's been gone for so long, and there is just one little tiny difference between the man I was when she was alive and the man I am today."

"What's that? The shabby state of your wardrobe?" Tonks said in a half-hearted attempt to make a joke so that she wouldn't start crying.

Remus smiled weakly as he looked down at his frayed robes and said, "Okay two things." He then looked up at Tonks and said, "Maybe my robes are in a truly sorry state compared with how they were fifteen years ago, but the most important difference between the man I was then and the man I am today are the feelings I have for you."

"But..."

"No more 'buts', Dora. I don't know where you're wires got crossed in your childhood regarding things that did or didn't happen between me and Lily or even things that you think did or didn't happen, but we are going to stay here and straighten everything out," Remus said matter-of-factly.

Tonks couldn't help but laugh as she said, "Just who in the bloody hell do you think you are, Remus?"

Remus narrowed his eyebrows but didn't respond.

Instead, Tonks continued on. "I already told you, you don't get to tell me what to do. You lost that privilege the Easter Saturday Sirius brought Lily home to my parents' house."

"You do realize that you are bordering on the obsessive about this, don't you, Tonks?" Remus said at last. "For Merlin's sake, you were EIGHT bloody years old. Don't you think that you might have misunderstood what you think you saw or what you think you heard?"

"No."

At this simple response, Remus' last bit of patience disappeared.

"Then maybe you have gone start raving nutters," Remus said as he crossed his arms and began to pace the length of the room. "Maybe I was wrong all along."

"So you finally admit that you were lying when you said you loved me?" Tonks cried in exasperation.

"No!" Remus shouted back. "I was wrong to think that you were mature enough an individual to handle me telling you how I feel about you. For some reason you seem to have suffered a severe lack of self-confidence when it comes to trusting me when I tell you something, especially given the fact that I have never told you a lie..."

"But, Lily..."

"Oh, sod you and sod your stupid thoughts about what you think you know about me and Lily," Remus shouted at her. "I consider myself a patient man, Tonks, but you've about taken all the patience I've got, and on top of all that, you're really making me angry by doubting my honesty." Remus inhaled a huge breath before he added, "I don't have many things in life that are worth anything, Tonks, but my creditability is one of the few things that I still have this is worth anything, and I'll be damned if anyone takes that away from me, even you."

Tonks looked at Remus. She then lowered her eyes in shame. The pair were silent for a moment before Tonks said softly, "I'm sorry."

Remus looked at her but finally nodded. "Fine, yeah."

"But, Remus?" Tonks asked softly.

"What?"

"You know I'm right."

"Right about what?"

"Even if you haven't told me a lie, you haven't been completely honest to me," Tonks said slowly.

Remus crossed his arms as he said evenly, "About what?"

Tonks turned her head as she said quietly, "About Lily."

At this, Remus laughed. Tonks found her anger growing the louder Remus' laughs became. Finally she crossed her own arms in a defiant stance as she said, "What's so bloody funny?"

Remus began to whip the tears from his eyes as he said, "You just sound like a bloody record, you know that? Especially considering the fact that what's really going on here, at least regarding issues of honesty, has nothing to do with Lily."

"Oh really?" Tonks shot back.

Remus nodded. "Yeah."

"Then what does it have to do with?" Tonks asked.

At this, Remus stopped laughing and finally said in a deadly serious voice. "It has nothing to do with Lily and everything to do with you."

Tonks stood very still and merely watched Remus for a moment, a thousand thoughts going through her head before she finally said, "What do you mean it has everything to do with me?"

"I find it very interesting that you are standing in your little glass house throwing stones at me when you're the one who actually has blatantly lied to me before in the past, and I've never held it against you before because I trusted you," Remus said.

Indignation rising in her throat, Tonks immediately said, "I have never lied to you..."

"Careful, Dora," Remus said. "I know about your final assignment for your course with Mad Eye when you were training in Concealment and Disguise."

Tonks' eyes widened in shock. "Concealment and Disguise? You knew?"

Remus narrowed his eyes. "Of course I knew it was you. How could you ever think that I wouldn't know you no matter what you looked like?"

"But you still played along anyway?" Tonks asked incredulously.

Remus shrugged. "I didn't have any other plans for that particular afternoon." He paused before he added, "Besides, I liked spending time with you."

"Why?"

"Because I care about you."

Tonks was silent for a moment before she said, "You're my best friend, Remus. Of course I know you care about me."

"Then why can't you believe me when I tell you that I love you?"

She stopped before she added, "Because it's a really huge leap to go from being a best friend to a lover." Tonks then turned around. She couldn't face him as she said, "Besides, I... I just don't think you capable of being in love with me."

"You're wrong, Tonks," Remus said. "Despite however much you know about me, you really don't know my heart." He then added so softly that he wasn't even sure if Tonks could hear it with her back turned to him, "Not yet anyway."

Tonks slowly turned around and said, "You're right, Remus. I may not know your heart, but I do know your head... I do know how you think. And I just know that even if you think you love me, it's not like you love Lily."

"So what?" Remus growled. "Can't a man love more than one woman in his life?"

"Not when he made up his mind to love one and only one woman his entire life!" Tonks shot back.

"What would ever make you think something like that?"

"Oh, I don't know," Tonks said sarcastically. "Maybe because you SAID it."

"For the love of Merlin, Tonks, some times you are so naive I want to strangle you." Remus paused before he took a breath and said, "Did it ever occur to you that I might, just might, have been wrong?"

Tonks had no response, and her silence seemed to infuriate Remus more and more.

"I don't understand you, Dora, I just don't understand you no matter how hard I've tried. Every time I think I'm getting close to you letting me in, you just go and put about more walls between us. Every single time, you just build those walls around your heart up so high and so thick that I don't think anyone will ever get to it, even a fool like me who wants to spend his life trying to get to you," Remus said.

Tonks at last spoke. "I never asked you to rescue me."

"I know that," Remus said. "I just don't understand why you do it. How on earth did you ever get hurt so badly that the only way you could survive was to stop feeling?"

Tonks shrugged as she said in a small voice, "If I can't feel anything, I can't get hurt."

Remus took a step closer and said softly, "But you'll never truly be alive unless you open your heart up, Dora."

"Sometimes the risks outweigh the winnings," Tonks said evenly.

Remus smiled sadly, "And sometimes they don't."

At this, it was Tonks' turn to laugh.

Remus stared at her strangely. "What's so funny?"

"I don't know," Tonks said. "You've just always been so calm, so measured... I can't believe that someone like you is willing to give up enough control to find out something like that."

"Something like what?"

"Something like what being in love is all about."

Remus took a step towards Tonks. "You know that I'm leaving tomorrow?"

Tonks looked up at Remus, somewhat caught off guard by his abrupt change of subject. Her eyes narrowed as she shook her head. "No, I... that is to say, no I didn't know you were going anywhere."

Remus nodded. "Dumbledore has asked me to do something for him that apparently I am the only one who can do what needs to be done... It's rather complicated, and he asked that it be kept quiet, but I wanted you to know why I wasn't going to be around for the next few days."

"Days?" Tonks said.

Remus nodded. "Yeah, possibly even a week. It just depends on how long it takes me to do what needs to be done."

"Why are you telling me this?" Tonks asked.

Remus sighed but pulled her towards him. "Because while I'm gone I don't want you to obsessively overanalyze this conversation or anything else that does or doesn't happen today, Tonks."

Tonks let herself fall into his warm and waiting arms as she slightly melted at his touch. "And what do you think is going to happen today, Remus?"

"A lot of things if you'd let them," Remus murmured in her ear as she leaned up against them. "Just stop being afraid, Dora."

Immediately, Tonks felt herself stiffen. She pulled back as Remus noticed the change in her demeanor. He sighed as she turned around and said, "I. AM. NOT. AFRAID."

"Then what's the big deal? Is the idea of being with me so repugnant that you can't let yourself go?" Remus asked.

"Shouldn't I be asking you that question, Mr. Remus Control-Freak Lupin?"

Remus was silent again for a moment. "Now that's not exactly an accurate assessment," he said, somewhat indignant. "I am NOT a control freak, Tonks... And, more importantly, unlike you, I am not afraid of losing control."

Tonks laughed again. "Of course you are, Remus. You are one of the most controlled individuals I've ever met. And that's what so bloody funny. A man who is so afraid of losing control doesn't feel anything either, and yet he's standing here in front of me critiquing my problems about trust and emotional intimacy." Tonks took a breath before she added, "I'm sorry Remus, but who in the bloody hell are you to be the one to counsel me about trust and feelings?"

"I..."

Tonks shook her head. "You know something, Remus? You're nothing but a bloody hypocrite, that's what you are."

Remus' face flushed. "That's not fair."

"Maybe not," Tonks said, "But I'm done."

"Done?"

"Yeah," Tonks said. "I've had just about all the introspection and self-analysis and honesty or lack thereof that I can take for one night. I'm going."

"Oh, no, you're not," Remus said. "We are going to finish this conversation once and for all, Dora. No more running."

Tonks laughed. "There you go again, Remus. Such a hypocrite."

"I am not a hypocrite," Remus said softly, but in a voice that Tonks could tell was edged in anger.

"Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Then when did you finally stop running from the reasons which made you lose Lily to James in the first place?" Tonks shot at Remus. His mouth fell open as he searched for a response. Tonks, unable to help herself, pushed forward.

"You said you were willing to talk to me about you and Lily, Remus, fine. Let's talk about you and Lily," Tonks merely took a breath before she began to speak once more. "Why did you lose Lily, Remus? Was it because of control? Was it because of you're fear about losing control?"

Remus, turning a pale shade of red, finally muttered, "You have no clue what happened between me and Lily, Tonks, no matter what you think you heard. As always, you only heard what you wanted to hear." He spun around on his heels and resumed pacing. "You are so bloody stupid sometimes, Tonks, do you know that? You're the most infuriatingly complex woman I've ever met, and yet sometimes you have less than the common sense with which even Fred and George Weasley were gifted."

"Don't be trite now, Remus. This isn't about me, this is about you." Tonks crossed her arms. "Now, tell me, what would happen exactly if you ever did lose control?"

"This is not about me," Remus ground out.

"Would you have hurt her, if you lost control with Lily?" Tonks pressed on, "Would you have bitten her and turned her into a monster too?"

Remus gasped.

"Would you have turned her into a werewolf, Remus? Is that what you would have done?"

Finally, Remus spoke, somewhat shakily as he said, "That never would have happened. It won't happen, and you know that."

Tonks felt several knots twist in her guts as she nailed the proverbial coffin containing her feelings for Remus shut as she said in a voice which totally was the opposite of how she was truly feeling. If he wouldn't let her go, she would have to make him let her go. For both their sakes and their sanity.

"You know what, Remus? It really doesn't matter if you're telling the truth about loving me or not, because I could never love a monster."

Remus was silent for a moment before he reached for her hand. Tonks spun around, and the sound of her hand cracking against his jaw in a stinging slap was the only sound that registered with either of them.

For a moment, Remus stared at her in disbelief, and then dropped her hand. He pulled himself into his most formal stance and nodded to her as he felt tears prick at his eyes . He then said in a strangled voice, "I'm sorry you feel that way."

And with another turn of his cloak, Remus walked out the door.

Tonks immediately broke out into the sobs which she had been holding back as she shouted, "I could never, ever love a monster, Remus, and that's what you are... that's all you'll ever be to me or anybody else... a raving, psychotic, bloody horrible MONSTER!"

Tonks was unsure if he heard her. It barely mattered either way as the damage had been done. To what extent, even then, Tonks had hardly known.

---

Tonks felt fresh tears roll down her face. She was so absorbed in her own unhappiness, she barely noticed when Fawkes cocked his head towards the kitchen window and saw a pair of amber eyes watching them through the glass.

* * *


	13. Ch 11: Losing Control

If Wishes Were Goodbyes

By: Lesera128

Rated: T

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Duh.

Summary: From the day of her birth, there have been several constants in Nymphadora Tonks' life: her parents, her cousin Sirius, & Remus Lupin. After a very heated argument with Remus, Tonks does something she later comes to regret. Very, very AU. Begins spring of OOTP. RL&NT Remus/Tonks. AU.

Author's Note: This story was began in 2005. I did not ever give up on the story, but it has taken me a long time to get to the point where I felt I had the distance necessary to complete it. Distance was necessary because, as I have said elsewhere, after the publication of Order of the Phoenix, a bitter taste developed in my mouth that never went away. I started hating the plot of the series from the death of Sirius forward. I based this story on my interpretations of Remus' and Tonks' characterizations up through the first half of Order of the Phoenix. Then the last two books came out, and they sucked very, very badly in my humble opinion. The movies echoed this in their casting of certain characters… not that I have any problem with actors like Gary Oldman or David Thewlis, for example, but the Sirius, Remus, and Tonks of the movies were not like how I pictured them in any way, shape, or form. The characters of the movies (and last two books) just didn't feel right. Sirius lost his sense of humor, charm, and nobility. Remus lost his strength, tenacity, and depth (he never, ever should have approached being as wishy-washy whiny individual he morphed into), and I failed to see any of the noble complexity and classiness in Tonks that was hinted at in OOTP. I was surfing YouTube a few days ago, and if you search for the user LeaLPotter and for her mvid "The Story of Remus Lupin II – Nymphadora Tonks" that is a much closer representation of what I think spot on characterizations of the likes of Remus and Tonks can be.

All of my displeasure led me to take a very long hiatus from the story. Now, however, I think I have forgotten (read: chosen not to purposely remember) the specific details that got me so turned off to the world of Harry Potter, and I am left remembering the good. To maintain that (and to allow me to complete this story at long last) for the purposes of this story's universe, consider it AU up until the beginning of Order of the Phoenix. Anything that occurs from book #5 forward does not exist in this story's universe with happy, happy, and joyously deliberate intent.

Please note: negative or snarky comments, flames, or petty jibs will be simply ignored. If you don't like the universe that this series represents, turn back now, for here be dragons.

For those who are interested, I have already posted a sequel of sorts that is completed. The link is in my fanfiction dot net profile under my other list of published stories. Interested as to what eventually happens to Tonks and Remus in my story's universe? Go click on the link entitled "Explaining Wishes Before Saying Goodbye."

Also, my apologies if you are just now coming to this story… the formatting on chapters 1-10 is wonky to say the least… page breaks disappeared and more than a few pesky typos are present. At this point in time, I don't have the files accessible to go back and do easy fixes, so as I said, I'm sorry if the earlier chapters are annoying to read. Hopefully the last few chapters will help to make up for the issues of the earlier ones.

And now, without further ado, after this epic author's note, a chapter five and a half years in the making, of a sort….

* * *

Chapter 11 – Losing Control

* * *

It was twilight… the magical time between the setting of the sun and the rising of the moon… or, in this particular instance, the time between the setting of the moon and the rising of the sun. Technically, dawn had not yet come to finally end his night's lengthy travails. While his transformation had been completed physically, and he once more wore the shape of man, mentally, he could still feel the strength of the wolf's influence on his consciousness and on his actions.

He was tired… he had lost a tremendous amount of blood before the first transformation. His human body was not pleased with him, and it let made its displeasure known to him with every movement. It was painful, but the pain remained secondary to his goal as his brain attempted to regain control and process what *had* happened and what still *might* happen. It was not an easy process to undertake, particularly because he had not had time to ingest his monthly dose of wolf's bane. So, for the first time in a very long time, he had run free on the night of a full moon with the wolf in complete control. Yes, the human body could only take so much, and it was going to make him pay. Now, it was just a question of when his conscious mind would focus on that pain instead of on… other thoughts.

Something very unexpected had happened during the hours when the wolf ran through the woods. Instead of running free, embracing the completely feral and wild part of his nature in a hunt of unbounded and uncontrolled proportions, the wolf had set a different agenda once he was free. Oh, the wolf still intended to embrace the feral and wild part… and he still had a hunt in mind… but a hunt that would end in the capture of a very specific kind of prey. A small part of Remus' mind realized it almost as soon as the transformation was complete. And the wolf realized Remus' realization immediately. His teeth bared in a feral grin, the wolf nodded in satisfaction. Yes, Remus had chosen a very bad time not to take his wolf's bane potion… not that he had really had a choice in the matter, Remus reflected. The wolf was in control for once, throwing all of Remus' limitations and inhibitions straight out the window. For once, the wolf and he wanted the same thing… and the wolf, just this one time, was going to make certain the both got what they wanted. That was a certainty.

As the hours progressed, and the wolf traveled far from where the transformation had actually taken place, it had taken a fair amount of instinct to know in which direction to travel… in which direction the wolf's prey lay. And, then, an hour or so before dawn, at last, the wolf caught sent of his prey. Finally, the prey was almost in his reach. He… no, *they* would finally have what they each craved most in the world this night.

Approaching the warmth emanating from the cottage which stood not too distantly in front of him, the wolf recognized a familiar lair. He belonged there… this was *his* place. And, what more could confirm that claim than a strong whiff of *her* scent in the air?

Unfortunately, for the wolf, his time had run out as he approached the cottage's front door. The rays of the rising sun began to cast a warm glow about the house, and quickly banished the nights' shadows and cold mists… and the wolf. He had began to transform back into his human form, unusually silent during what was normally a grueling experience. Rising, shakily, Remus wobbled as he tried to stand on his own two feet. He moved in the direction of the back part of the house where he knew a spare robe hung in the garden shed. Uncertain on his feet, Remus moved as quickly as he could, entered the shed, saw the robe, grabbed it, and pulled it over his scrapped and scratched and no longer bleeding, but now very human body. And, then, moving stealthily to the cottage's back door, he glanced through a window. His eyes burned a bright amber at what he saw, the wolf reminding him, that for just a little bit longer, Remus' precious and much treasured self-control remained unsettled. *He* was still there. Their prey now sighted in addition to scented, the wolf screamed at him to act. It was time.

* * *

Tonks was tired. She, at last, was willing to concede that one point to the world. She was weary and tired and tired of being weary and tired. Realizing that she couldn't remained tucked away in Remus' cottage indefinitely, she had made up her mind to at least shower and change when she saw Fawkes' rise from where the phoenix had situated itself on the arm of Remus' couch. The phoenix began to fly in the direction of the kitchen window. Her eyebrows narrowed before the phoenix began to flutter in front of one specific pane of glass. It's wings started to flap faster and faster before it let out a loud *SQWAK* and, shortly thereafter, with a loud *POP* it disappeared.

Perplexed by the phoenix's odd behavior, Tonks walked in the direction of the window. However, when she reached the exact spot where Fawkes had disappeared, she looked out and saw nothing but the rising rays of the sun's bright morning glare. Shrugging, Tonks wondered what had caught the phoenix's attention… however, she supposed she would know soon enough because… well, whatever Fawkes knew, Dumbledore knew soon after. And, usually, her old headmaster was kind enough to share an answer to most questions when she was patient enough to ask.

Her eyebrows narrowed as she shook her head and muttered, "Wonky bird…."

But, then, in the fraction of a millimeter of a second, the hairs on the back of her neck stood up straight on end. That sensation was accompanied by a tingling that Tonks had long ago been trained by Moody in her auror classes to recognize as signifying only one thing… imminent danger approached. Her hand flashed quickly to her side as she whipped out her wand and pointed it at the back door. She watched, ready to pounce, as the door knob slowly turned, and the door creaked openly bit by bit.

Tonks' weariness disappeared as adrenaline coursed through her. Maintaining a defensive stance, Tonks said nothing as a shadow stumbled through the door, and within a few seconds, Tonks felt her world fall down around her all over again.

Remus, battered, bloody, and bruised, unhurriedly closed the door behind him. His gaze then turned, slowly, ever so slowly, to see where his prey stood on the defensive. The wolf admired his prey's skill. Even he had to admit her reflexes were good… very good. She had sensed him even *before* his arrival. Yes, she was good… finally, Remus had chosen a worthy mate, the wolf thought… and, most importantly, a worthy mate who had accepted him… unlike the red-haired female from long ago, the red-haired female who had never really completed accepted both sides of Remus… the man and the wolf. No, this one was worth keeping exactly as she was, the wolf thought… preserved and protected at whatever cost. In accepting him, he was able to accept her.

Tonks, the shock evident on her face, still had her wand pointed at him.

An uncharacteristically sardonic look fell on Remus' face as he nodded at it and said his first words to her. "I think it's time you put that down, don't you?"

Tonks' shallow and rapid breaths rattled in her chest. It took her a moment to comprehend what he was saying. Her eyebrows narrowed as she opened her mouth to say a thousand different things to him, but in the end, not a single one trickled out.

Remus nodded again and said firmly, "Away."

Her eyebrows widened as she complied, although she didn't know why. Tonks lowered the wand and then set it down on the coffee table.

"Good," he applauded her efforts.

Rising to stand at her full height, Tonks again opened her mouth to say something, but this time, his sharp voice cut her off.

"No."

Her head quirked at him in askance, and Remus repeated his words.

"No."

Her eyebrows furrowed once more as sought clarification in his eyes, and was shocked to notice… finally, that his normally soft, warm brown eyes still burned a bright, red hot amber in color. The hairs on the back of her neck stood up again on end, and Tonks immediately felt again that warning go off in her mind.

Danger was imminent.

The flight or fight response began to quick in, and for a split second, the small rational part of Remus' mind that was observing the exchange between the two wondered if he was going to have to chase her. Because, if she ran, he would pursue. That was something that both he and the wolf agreed on….

But, for once, Tonks… not quite sure why she was doing what she was doing, dug in her feet. She maintained her defensive stance, and shook slightly on the balls of her feet, as she contemplated how to go from the defensive to the offensive.

The wolf caused Remus to smirk a wry grin at her decision.

"Good choice," he nodded at her.

Tonks said nothing, but waited. She had been waiting for her chance, for her opportunity, for what felt like an entire life time. No, two lifetimes it seemed… two, at the very least. Now, at last, the chance, the opportunity that she had always wanted was here. This was it… it was now or never… and Tonks' knew she would be damned if she wasn't going to take full advantage of it.

Her tongue unconsciously slipped out, and she whetted her lips. Remus noticed, and an uncharacteristic growl came out.

"Careful."

"Why?" she breathed at last.

"I'm just warning you."

"You've been warning me for years. What makes now any different?"

"Because, now, it's just *different*."

"You're different?" Tonks asked, raising her eyes to meet his gaze.

Again, unconsciously, her eyes had changed. Whether from emotion or because of her shape shifting skills, who could say… but, her eyes had changed and now pulsed a very, very dark shade of blue. Remus saw the light of the fire… and perhaps, he told himself, his eyes, shadowed in her gaze.

"Now, here…" Remus muttered. "Yes, it's different. I'm different… and *we* have the opportunity to be different."

"I've been waiting for this opportunity my entire life," Tonks said, her eyes widening at the truth of her statement.

Remus shook his head, "Maybe… but, even so… be very careful about what you choose. This is it, either way."

"How can you not think I know that?" Tonks muttered in exasperation. "I *know*."

Remus nodded. "Then be careful, and make your choice."

Tonks narrowed her eyes. "I made my choice a long time ago, Remus… the question is, have you?"

At the sound of her voice saying his name, he felt something finally snap. He would later try to rationalize it, try to blame it on his blood loss, his exhaustion, his hunger, his injuries, even the wolf. But, in that moment, what finally snapped, finally did so of its own glorious accord.

He moved with lightening speed. Tonks had never seen Remus move so quickly, even when his stood in the heat of battle at her side, wand extended as he rambled off charm and curse after counter charm and counter curse against the fury of persistent wave after wave of fatal Deatheaters. No, this movement was so fast, Tonks' mind didn't even have time to process that he had moved, she had moved, they had moved. In actuality, they had crashed to the ground as Remus tackled her. Later, Tonks would find a hell of a bump on the back of her skull from where it connected with the hard edge of the cottage's well worn wooden floors. At the time it occurred, and in the immediate aftermath, Tonks didn't feel it at all.

Instead, what she did feel was his warm breath on her cheek as he pinned her beneath him. Grabbing her arms and shoving them above her head, he breathed a single word so softly, she almost didn't hear it, almost hadn't recognized it for what it was. She would have missed it unless she was so used to hearing that single word spoken to her….

"Nymphadora," he breathed, a single word, a single prayer.

Looking up at him, dark blue eyes to bright amber eyes, Tonks contemplated her next move as Remus' spelled it out for her, just in case she was uncertain as to her choice. "You wanted to see me lose control? You wanted to see what would happen if I was recklessly spinning out of control? You wanted to see it?" Remus spat out, as he gave a strong pull on both her arms. "Well, here it is, *Nymphadora*… here it is…."

* * *

-TBC-


	14. Ch 12: Stop Me

If Wishes Were Goodbyes

By: Lesera128

Rated: T

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Duh.

Summary: From the day of her birth, there have been several constants in Nymphadora Tonks' life: her parents, her cousin Sirius, & Remus Lupin. After a very heated argument with Remus, Tonks does something she later comes to regret. Very, very AU. Begins spring of OOTP. RL&NT Remus/Tonks. AU.

Author's Note: This story was began in 2005. I did not ever give up on the story, but it has taken me a long time to get to the point where I felt I had the distance necessary to complete it. Distance was necessary because, as I have said elsewhere, after the publication of Order of the Phoenix, a bitter taste developed in my mouth that never went away. I started hating the plot of the series from the death of Sirius forward. I based this story on my interpretations of Remus' and Tonks' characterizations up through the first half of Order of the Phoenix. Then the last two books came out, and they sucked very, very badly in my humble opinion. The movies echoed this in their casting of certain characters… not that I have any problem with actors like Gary Oldman or David Thewlis, for example, but the Sirius, Remus, and Tonks of the movies were not like how I pictured them in any way, shape, or form. The characters of the movies (and last two books) just didn't feel right. Sirius lost his sense of humor, charm, and nobility. Remus lost his strength, tenacity, and depth (he never, ever should have approached being as wishy-washy whiny individual he morphed into), and I failed to see any of the noble complexity and classiness in Tonks that was hinted at in OOTP. I was surfing YouTube a few days ago, and if you search for the user LeaLPotter and for her mvid "The Story of Remus Lupin II – Nymphadora Tonks" that is a much closer representation of what I think spot on characterizations of the likes of Remus and Tonks can be.

All of my displeasure lead me to take a very long hiatus from the story. Now, however, I think I have forgotten (read: chosen not to purposely remember) the specific details that got me so turned off to the world of Harry Potter, and I am left remembering the good. To maintain that (and to allow me to complete this story at long last) for the purposes of this story's universe, consider it AU up until the beginning of Order of the Phoenix. Anything that occurs from book #5 forward does not exist in this story's universe with happy, happy, and joyously deliberate intent.

Please note: negative or snarky comments, flames, or petty jibs will be simply ignored. If you don't like the universe that this series represents, turn back now, for here be dragons.

For those who are interested, I have already posted a sequel of sorts that is completed. The link is in my fanfiction dot net profile under my other list of published stories. Interested as to what eventually happens to Tonks and Remus in my story's universe? Go click on the link entitled "Explaining Wishes Before Saying Goodbye."

Also, my apologies if you are just now coming to this story… the formatting on chapters 1-10 is wonky to say the least… page breaks disappeared and more than a few pesky typos are present. At this point in time, I don't have the files accessible to go back and do easy fixes, so as I said, I'm sorry if the earlier chapters are annoying to read. Hopefully the last few chapters will help to make up for the issues of the earlier ones.

And now, without further ado….

* * *

Chapter 12 – "Stop Me."

* * *

"Stop me," the plea came to her ears. "Please, by all that is holy, stop me," he whispered to her.

In between deep kisses, the removal of clothing, the worship of skin on skin, the blessed emanation of small gasps, the lyrical pitch of unintended moans, Remus at last brought his head so that it remained slightly a part from hers. Looking down into her eyes, eyes that had shaded an even deeper blue than when they started, Tonks saw that some of the intensity had started to leech out of his eyes. They were transitioning from the fiery amber to their warm chocolate brown. No, it wasn't quite there yet, but soon it would be… and in those few seconds, the small part of Remus' rational mind that had been relegated to mere observation over the last few hours, seized a tenuous control of the situation. He knew it wouldn't hold long, and so he did the only thing he could do… he begged her to stop this.

"Push me away," he begged. "Yell, scream, tell me *no*," Remus pleaded to her.

Sensing more than realizing the shift that had occurred, Tonks took a look at the man who lay on top of her. Her body demanding that it concentrate on the sensations she was feeling almost began to overload when her brain tried to make logical sense of Remus' words. As soon as she did, she almost wanted to cry out in frustration as she realized that if Remus was asking her what he was asking her to do, there was still a small part of him that was in control. And, now realizing how close they were to that which both of them had apparently wanted for a very long time, Tonks knew that she couldn't do as Remus asked… she couldn't be selfless enough to reject him for his own propriety's sake.

Pushing up at him, taking the last shred of what little control that he clung to, Tonks used her weight to shift them. Rolling the pair over so that she was on top, Tonks bent down to kiss him.

*Soft, so soft,* Remus thought, as tongues wrestled each other for dominance. *Want, need, want,* echoed in his brain as he struggled for relief. She was everything to him, he was nothing without her, they were all things at all times… everywhere, no where.

Too much.

Not enough.

More… *he* needed more. *She* needed more. *They* needed more.

He moaned once into her mouth, resigning himself to the inevitable. After all, the wolf had reminded him, it is always the female who has final say in these matters.

He felt his skin slide against hers, beads of sweat easing the friction of their bodies. They moved in a kind of percussionistic rhythm. Steady, strong, but only measured by the desires of their wants.

Want.

Need.

Have.

The words reverberated around the pair.

Control – gone… lost… finally, willingly surrendered.

Want.

Need.

Have.

"*Nymphadora*," he breathed once again in her ear, his whispered prayer metamorphosizing into a moan as he took from Tonks that which she had been waiting for him to take.

Fierce tongues, tangy sweetness, beads of sweat, bumping, thrusting, grinding… escalation, pushing, pulling, pushing some more, fighting each other instead of themselves. Deeper… deeper. Harder, softer. Faster, slower.

Want.

Need.

Have.

She cried out unexpectedly. At the time, Remus' brain didn't recognize the reason why. All he knew was the cry did not symbolize her release, her relief. He would have felt that. So… he continued to push on, move forward, claim that which he *wanted*, claim that which he desperately, desperately *needed* so very much.

Deeper… deeper. Harder, softer. Faster, slower.

No more denial. Acceptance… only acceptance and acknowledgement.

Want.

Need.

Have.

Control lost…

And, right before the blessed feeling of relief swept over them, his teeth careened over the soft skin of where her neck joined her shoulder. And, in one split second, right before he finally was rewarded with everything he had ever wanted since he had given up everything he had also so fiercely guarded… his mouth opened slightly, and then savagely bit down.

His own cry of release mixed with her own cry of relief… and pain at the overwhelming unpredictability of it all.

* * *

At some point, the pair had moved from the floor to the couch. Tonks laid a worn, but favorite, blanket over the pair as they cuddled together, spent and satiated.

Remus held her, and when she looked at him this time, although a drowsy lethargy clouded his eyes, no amber light fired his gaze… chocolate brown eyes, softened by satisfaction and… perhaps some gentler emotion, looked deeply into hers.

"Now do you understand?" he said quietly.

Tonks sighed. "I… I'm not sure." She was quiet for a moment, her brain still struggling to process the sensory overload that had just about short-circuited her system. "I think I'm beginning to," Tonks offered at last, "but, I'm not quite sure I understand… everything."

"This…." Remus tested each word in his mind, struggling to make her understand. Merlin, after everything… she *had* to understand. He had to make her understand…. "*This* is why you were different," Remus said. "*This* is what Lily always wanted from me, and *this* is what I could never give her."

Tonks shifted in his embrace, and turned to look at him fully. "Meaning?"

"Meaning," Remus said. "Lily – I loved her, I wanted her… but not enough... not enough to give up control… I trusted her, but I didn't trust myself enough around her… and Lily knew that… she knew that, and it wasn't enough for her, and that's why she left me… that's why she moved on… and let someone else give her what I couldn't."

"James?" Tonks asked.

He paused for a moment before he nodded at her. He then said, "You do understand, right? With Lily… I just couldn't. But, you, Dora… you… I love you… I want you… and I loved and wanted you more than enough to give you what I could never give anyone else."

"Why?" a very small voice asked. "What makes me so different?"

Remus smiled weakly. "I don't know… it's just that you're *you*… and that makes all the difference in the world."

"What if you're wrong? What if you don't love me, don't want me like you think you do after we leave this cottage?" Tonks whispered, finally voicing her worst fear and very much feeling the rejected eight-year old who had just lost her best friend to Lily Evans.

Remus shook his head with a smile. He then pulled her to him in a fierce hug. "Never happen, Dora."

"You can't know that for sure, Remus," Tonks said with a sniffle.

Holding her even tighter, he began to run his hands up and down her back in a comforting rhythm as he said, "There are a lot of things I don't know about in this world, Dora… I freely admit that… but *this*… *you*… *us*…. Well, those are things you are just going to have to trust me on… because I know I'm right… I have enough faith for both of us because I just know."

"And that's the truth of it?" Tonks sighed as she felt fatigue wash over her again.

Remus nodded, even though Tonks eyed had closed. "Yeah, it is."

* * *

-TBC-


	15. Epilogue, Part I: Her Thoughts

If Wishes Were Goodbyes

By: Lesera128

Rated: T

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Duh.

Summary: From the day of her birth, there have been several constants in Nymphadora Tonks' life: her parents, her cousin Sirius, & Remus Lupin. After a very heated argument with Remus, Tonks does something she later comes to regret. Very, very AU. Begins spring of OOTP. RL&NT Remus/Tonks. AU.

Author's Note: This story was began in 2005. I did not ever give up on the story, but it has taken me a long time to get to the point where I felt I had the distance necessary to complete it. Distance was necessary because, as I have said elsewhere, after the publication of Order of the Phoenix, a bitter taste developed in my mouth that never went away. I started hating the plot of the series from the death of Sirius forward. I based this story on my interpretations of Remus' and Tonks' characterizations up through the first half of Order of the Phoenix. Then the last two books came out, and they sucked very, very badly in my humble opinion. The movies echoed this in their casting of certain characters… not that I have any problem with actors like Gary Oldman or David Thewlis, for example, but the Sirius, Remus, and Tonks of the movies were not like how I pictured them in any way, shape, or form. The characters of the movies (and last two books) just didn't feel right. Sirius lost his sense of humor, charm, and nobility. Remus lost his strength, tenacity, and depth (he never, ever should have approached being as wishy-washy whiny individual he morphed into), and I failed to see any of the noble complexity and classiness in Tonks that was hinted at in OOTP. I was surfing YouTube a few days ago, and if you search for the user LeaLPotter and for her mvid "The Story of Remus Lupin II – Nymphadora Tonks" that is a much closer representation of what I think spot on characterizations of the likes of Remus and Tonks can be.

All of my displeasure lead me to take a very long hiatus from the story. Now, however, I think I have forgotten (read: chosen not to purposely remember) the specific details that got me so turned off to the world of Harry Potter, and I am left remembering the good. To maintain that (and to allow me to complete this story at long last) for the purposes of this story's universe, consider it AU up until the beginning of Order of the Phoenix. Anything that occurs from book #5 forward does not exist in this story's universe with happy, happy, and joyously deliberate intent.

Please note: negative or snarky comments, flames, or petty jibs will be simply ignored. If you don't like the universe that this series represents, turn back now, for here be dragons.

For those who are interested, I have already posted a sequel of sorts that is completed. The link is in my fanfiction dot net profile under my other list of published stories. Interested as to what eventually happens to Tonks and Remus in my story's universe? Go click on the link entitled "Explaining Wishes Before Saying Goodbye."

Also, my apologies if you are just now coming to this story… the formatting on chapters 1-10 is wonky to say the least… page breaks disappeared and more than a few pesky typos are present. At this point in time, I don't have the files accessible to go back and do easy fixes, so as I said, I'm sorry if the earlier chapters are annoying to read. Hopefully the last few chapters will help to make up for the issues of the earlier ones.

And now, without further ado….

* * *

Epilogue, Part I – Her Thoughts

* * *

Many hours later, Tonks woke. Sometime in the early morning hours, the pair had shifted a third time. This time when she awoke, she found herself deliciously curled up in a cocoon of warm softness… that meant two things… a bed… and Remus.

She rolled over, feeling him stir at her movements. Tonks had no idea how much time had passed, but she guessed it had been a while. Her stomach grumbled mercilessly, she knew she smelled of sweat and Remus and sex and satisfaction (not necessarily in that order), and was in desperate need of a shower. She also ached fiercely in several places. Her head throbbed a bit, and when her hand moved to examine the source of the throbbing, she winced gingerly as she felt a large knot at the base of her skull. Her left shoulder also ached… looking down, she winced at the skin discoloration where her neck met her shoulder. Of all her pains, the one that she at least *did* know the cause of reminded her how drastically things had changed… she winced a bit as her legs stretched in bed. It wasn't an unpleasant feeling, not per se, but she felt as if she had done her workout without properly stretching. What she needed now was food… a set of clean clothes… and a nice long soak in a warm tub filled with bubbles.

Tonks scanned her situation, trying to see how she could extricate herself from Remus' embrace without awakening him. However, she ceased her planning when his eyes popped open, and he grinned a very lop-sided and uncharacteristic grin at her.

"Hi," she offered softly, suddenly shy.

"Hi," he breathed back.

So much needed to be said by the pair, so much needed to be discussed. At last, Tonks broke the silence by saying the thing that had been weighing so heavily on her mind since the neurons in her brain had started to fire again.

"I'm sorry," she said at last.

Concern and anxiousness suddenly flooding his gaze, Remus sat up, and said, "Why? For what?"

Tonks sat up slowly and said, "I'm sorry that I said those horrible things to you before you left, Remus."

Letting out a deep breath that he didn't know he had been holding, Remus smiled. He shook his head. "That doesn't matter, anymore, Dora."

Tonks nodded her head emphatically. "But, it does, Remus. I called you a monst—"

Remus leaned forward and silenced Tonks with his lips. The kissed began to deepen before he pulled away, pleased to know he had at last found a very pleasant way to head off a classic Tonks' rant.

"I know you didn't mean it," Remus said at last. "What you said was said out of anger and fear and hurt… and it doesn't matter anymore…. Not when we're here," Remus gestured between the two of them. "Okay?"

Tonks hesitantly nodded her head. "Okay," she breathed.

"Okay," Remus repeated with a nod.

She then smiled, but stopped short as she said somewhat tentatively, "So what happens next, Remus… how do we deal with being… being *here*?"

Remus shook his head… "I don't know… this is someplace I've never been before either, Dora… and, in this particular instance, I'm just as inexperienced as you."

Tonks couldn't help but smile at that statement. Somehow, that fact pleased her very much.

Smiling, Remus said, "I'm quite sure that, between two such brilliant individuals such as ourselves, we'll figure out what to do, though…."

"Yeah," Tonks said… "I think you're right…" She remained quiet for a moment, before her mood suddenly shifted, and Remus could sense mischief in her voice.

"Sirius was right, you know?" Tonks said with a lecherous grin.

"Right about what?" Remus asked suspiciously.

"Your bum," Tonks laughed, as she pointed in his direction. "I'm not certain how he knew, and I don't want to know how he knew, but he was right when he said it really isn't too scrawny after all."

Saying nothing, letting his gaze tell Tonks all she needed to know, the look Remus shot Tonks, caused her to dive beneath to cover with a yelp. It was going to be a long morning, and at this rate an even longer day. Not that she minded. No, because for the first time in her life, looking to the future didn't really bother her. The future was no longer a thing to be avoided or feared. No, instead, the future was something to embrace… to anticipate even… for her, finally, in fact, the future could now be rather enjoyed…. And, that pleased Tonks very, very much.

* * *

-TBC-


	16. Epilogue, Part II: His Thoughts

If Wishes Were Goodbyes

By: Lesera128

Rated: T

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Duh.

Summary: From the day of her birth, there have been several constants in Nymphadora Tonks' life: her parents, her cousin Sirius, & Remus Lupin. After a very heated argument with Remus, Tonks does something she later comes to regret. Very, very AU. Begins spring of OOTP. RL&NT Remus/Tonks. AU.

Author's Note: This story was began in 2005. I did not ever give up on the story, but it has taken me a long time to get to the point where I felt I had the distance necessary to complete it. Distance was necessary because, as I have said elsewhere, after the publication of Order of the Phoenix, a bitter taste developed in my mouth that never went away. I started hating the plot of the series from the death of Sirius forward. I based this story on my interpretations of Remus' and Tonks' characterizations up through the first half of Order of the Phoenix. Then the last two books came out, and they sucked very, very badly in my humble opinion. The movies echoed this in their casting of certain characters… not that I have any problem with actors like Gary Oldman or David Thewlis, for example, but the Sirius, Remus, and Tonks of the movies were not like how I pictured them in any way, shape, or form. The characters of the movies (and last two books) just didn't feel right. Sirius lost his sense of humor, charm, and nobility. Remus lost his strength, tenacity, and depth (he never, ever should have approached being as wishy-washy whiny individual he morphed into), and I failed to see any of the noble complexity and classiness in Tonks that was hinted at in OOTP. I was surfing YouTube a few days ago, and if you search for the user LeaLPotter and for her mvid "The Story of Remus Lupin II – Nymphadora Tonks" that is a much closer representation of what I think spot on characterizations of the likes of Remus and Tonks can be.

All of my displeasure lead me to take a very long hiatus from the story. Now, however, I think I have forgotten (read: chosen not to purposely remember) the specific details that got me so turned off to the world of Harry Potter, and I am left remembering the good. To maintain that (and to allow me to complete this story at long last) for the purposes of this story's universe, consider it AU up until the beginning of Order of the Phoenix. Anything that occurs from book #5 forward does not exist in this story's universe with happy, happy, and joyously deliberate intent.

Please note: negative or snarky comments, flames, or petty jibs will be simply ignored. If you don't like the universe that this series represents, turn back now, for here be dragons.

For those who are interested, I have already posted a sequel of sorts that is completed. The link is in my fanfiction dot net profile under my other list of published stories. Interested as to what eventually happens to Tonks and Remus in my story's universe? Go click on the link entitled "Explaining Wishes Before Saying Goodbye."

Also, my apologies if you are just now coming to this story… the formatting on chapters 1-10 is wonky to say the least… page breaks disappeared and more than a few pesky typos are present. At this point in time, I don't have the files accessible to go back and do easy fixes, so as I said, I'm sorry if the earlier chapters are annoying to read. Hopefully the last few chapters will help to make up for the issues of the earlier ones.

And now, without further ado….

* * *

Epilogue, Part II – His Thoughts

* * *

Several days later, Remus, much improved both physically, mentally, and emotionally… and mostly in complete control of his faculties, sat once more with Dora leaned up against him as they cuddled on the couch… he with the latest copy of the _Daily Prophet_, and she with a copy of _Witches' Weekly_. While Tonks was actually reading, Remus wasn't really paying attention to the newspaper in his hands. Several moments passed before Tonks' voice interrupted his thoughts.

"It must take you a bloody long time to read those historical books of yours, Remus, if you have to spend six or seven minutes to get through a single page of the _Daily Prophet_," Tonks murmured.

Remus chuckled. "I'm caught, huh?"

Tonks nodded. "I could hear your brain's gears turning all the way over here…. Wotcher, Remus? What's got your hamster in a tizzy?"

Remus chuckled again at Tonks' wording. However, his chuckle masked a slight shift to more serious things as Remus's hand came to Tonks' shoulder. He gentlely caressed the red spot of skin that was still slightly irritated.

Tonks looked at the gesture and then frowned. "That? Again?" Tonks asked, annoyance and exasperation evident in her voice.

"I'm sorry," Remus apologized yet again. "I just can't help fixating on it since I don't know *why*."

Throwing her magazine down, Tonks stared at Remus with an annoyed look evident on her face. "Sometimes, Remus, for being such a smart bloke, you're incredibly oblivious."

"And why is that, Dora?"

"Because, you silly git… you bit me…"

"Yes, I bit you," Remus said seriously. "Therein, within the scope of three words, you have captured the terror that has threatened to overwhelm me for years… the idea that I might bite someone I love."

"But you didn't draw blood, Remus," Tonks said, annoyance giving way to tenderness. "Doesn't that tell you something?"

"No," Remus said. "Just like it hasn't the past three times you've tried to explain it to me."

"All right," Tonks said. "Well, let's try for number four."

Remus shrugged, and Tonks continued.

"Even when you were feeling at your most vulnerable, the most out of control you've ever felt," Tonks pressed, "at a moment when the wolf could have seized control if he'd wanted to…"

Remus nodded.

"He didn't," Tonks said simply. "Yes, you bit me… in a moment of passionate need, you bit me, but you didn't draw blood. You didn't infect me, Remus. You didn't hurt me. And the reason you didn't is because *you never would*." She paused before she said, "I know you've been scared of this happening since Lily, but you said it yourself… I'm different than she is… was. You never have to worry about losing control with me because I know you won't hurt me… I know you won't bite me and infect me with lycanthropy."

"But the wolf-," Remus began.

Waving her hand in exasperation, "Come on, Remus, stop chanting those same words like the bloody mantra you've made them into… the wolf is you, you're the wolf, and both of you would never hurt me." She paused before she said, "You remember how you told me I was just going to have to trust you that we would work things out because you just *knew*… instinctually, that things would turn out okay between us?"

Remus nodded.

"Well, this time it's your turn to have a little faith in me… because I just *know*…." Tonks said. She then narrowed her eyes, and said somewhat seriously, but in a lighter tone… "If you want to apologize for something, then you could say you were sorry for why I had the lump at the back of my head… and some other… muscle strains…. Because *those* were your fault."

Remus blushed a little, and murmured, "You know I've already apologized a hundred times for the haste… and the harshness of what happened, Dora… but I might add, it wasn't like you didn't give almost as good as you got."

A wicked glint came into her eyes. Remus felt the shift again, and realizing he was game for a spot of fun, he shifted to meet Tonks. "I still think we might need to even the score, Remus," Tonks said slowly… measuring each word with a thrill traveling down her spine.

*Merlin,* she thought, *the things this man could do to me with a single glance….*

And more than receptive to her overture, Remus tossed the copy of the newspaper he was still holding behind him. Yes, there would be other arguments, other battles to be waged between the pair in the future. Two strong personalities such as them couldn't exist in peaceful contentment for long. But, for now, just for now, they would enjoy what they could before fear of losing control pulled Remus back. It was still a notion he was getting used to… trusting Tonks' enough to share his burden with her.

All the angry words between the pair lay forgotten as the greeted each other once again as lovers, and Tonks smiled with a nod as they both, at last, had come to realize that goodbyes are so unnecessary. Sometimes, just sometimes, there are certain things that are better left unsaid.

* * *

~The End~


End file.
